Gavin

This is one of the more difficult postings that I have ever had to type, given that I can only use my left hand. Relax! There is nothing wrong with my right hand. I just can no longer use it for menial things like typing. Why? Because yesterday, I shook the hand of Gavin Newsom. Now, for those of you Philistines who have absolutely NO idea who Gavin Newsom is, I want you to get up from your computer, go out to the back yard, grab your garden hose, and bitschslapp yourself about the head and shoulders for at least five minutes. I’ll wait!

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Ok, now that you are back, I’ll fill in those of you who fell off the clue-bus. Gavin Newsom is the mayor of San Francisco. He is the man who risked his political career and possibly jail time by committing an act of civil disobedience when he ordered the San Francisco City Hall to begin issuing marriage licenses to gays and lesbians back in 2004. This crazy act led to lawsuits across the country, and began a movement that will not end until gays and lesbians receive the same rights and privileges as everyone else. This champion of today’s civil rights movement is not only a very successful mayor of the City and County of San Francisco, he is now running for governor of California since Aaaahnold will soon be terming out. 

 

How would one describe Mr. Newsom? Besides being a really good politician, and a champion for equality, I think I will borrow a note from Margaret Cho. Not long ago, Mr. Newsom signed a proclamation naming Margaret Cho Day. Mz. Cho, a native of San Francisco, travelled back to her hometown to accept the proclamation from the mayor. When she went up to receive the proclamation, she began her speech and immediately fumbled her words. She then apologized by saying, “I’m sorry. Honorable Mayor. Um… I knew you were hot. But… nothing could really prepare me for the degree of hotness that you are. And you’re straight! You’re like… the f$*#ing unicorn.”

 

 

Le Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. But I digress.

 

Mr. Newsom rode in the back of a convertible, waving and smiling that drop-dead GORGEOUS smile of his while a bunch of big ol’ man-girls screamed, “Aaaaaah!!!! Gavin!!!!” As his car drove by, my husbear and I stood on the stairs of a condo, which gave us a great view of the pride parade. As Mr. Newsom turned and looked my way, I held up my left hand, and with my right, pointed at my wedding ring. He laughed, and responded likewise. I gave him the thumbs up, and he responded. Of course, the irony is that Mr. Newsom has survived being married, having an affair, getting a divorce, remarrying, and is now going to be a father. WooHOO! With everything out in the open, his career is still progressing, and he stands a good change to be the “Gavinor” of our state.

 

Surprisingly, Mr. Newsom made a second pass through the parade about an hour later. This time, being much more personal, he walked along the street shaking hands. “Oh!” I thought to myself. “I have GOT to take advantage of this!” As he strolled down the street, smiling that knee-buckling smile of his, he reached out to shake the hands of the crowd. I JUST missed him, as he was moving pretty quick. Yet, when he saw me, his expression changed, possibly recognizing me from my gesture before. He actually backtracked from where he was to briefly shake my hand and give me an even bigger smile than what he gave the rest of the crowd. And during that one brief connection, we bonded. During that brief handshake, I knew. I knew that in his mind, he was thinking, “Oh Joe. If ONLY things were different. If only we could go away to a parallel universe, we could be together. If only you didn’t have a husband. If only I didn’t have this office to run. If only I weren’t so totally and completely straight. If only all these things were different, we could be together. I would gladly by your bitch! I would do what you told me, and like it! I would have you all to myself! Oh, if only.”

 

Don’t worry, Gavin. I know that you have more important tasks at hand. You have a campaign to run. You have agendas for equality to push that will be even bigger than what we could have together in a parallel universe somewhere else. I know it is difficult for you to accept, but the facts are the facts. We are both married, and fate just isn’t there for us now. But yes, I know. I know that you know. And I know that you know that I know. 

 

Now… should I consider getting my right hand bronzed, or should I just wear a white glove?