Me and my uptightness
I will apologize up-front for this posting, as it is probably going to come across as a bit of a rant. And if it pushes a few buttons, then so be it. It isn’t intended to push any buttons, but … well anyway…
For most of my life, I was an uptight person. If you think I’m uptight nowadays, you have NO idea how far I’ve come – truly! As a kid, I had to be one of the most uptight/wound-up/nervous/anxious kids you would have ever met. And that attitude continued through my teen years and through college, and all the way up until my 30’s.
Why so uptight? Well… I can’t really say. Maybe it was my environment. Maybe it was my attempt to lead a straight lifestyle. Maybe it was my constant need to try and please other people without regard to myself. Maybe it was all of the above.
The fact is, for most of my life, I always doubted myself and always felt the need to seek approval. And for me, this meant pleasing other people. When I went to college, I chose a degree based on what my parents thought I should do – not what I wanted to do. Sure, my parents had the best of intent – go with Computer Science. It was “the way of the future”. And I would be sure to get a job. Yes, that is the best of intent. But there was one problem – I hated it. HATED IT! Sure, I got the degree, and I got into the business. And I hated it – HATED IT! And I have no doubt that it came across in my personality and interactions with people.
I also got married to a woman. I really did believe I was in love – heck, I probably was. But my own sexuality was suppressed so far away that I didn’t even know it was in question. Why? Well, because I wanted to please people. I grew up with an undercurrent of homophobia. Growing up in Ptown, gays were “tolerated”, but privately made fun of by the locals– all in jest of course (yah RIGHT!) And in the south, homosexuality was just an icky-nasty thing. It reinforced my subconscious denial. So yup, I was a straight guy – an unhappy one.
It wasn’t until fairly late in life that I started realizing that I could – and SHOULD – lead my OWN life for my own happiness. Sometimes… yes, sometimes… it really is ok to be selfish.
Despite being in my mid-forties, in a lot of ways, I’m in my teenagedom. Yes, sometimes I say things that are a bit out there. And ya know what? So what?! Seriously. I spent so much of my life holding back. Why? Sometimes, if the party is right, or the event is right, I will imbibe to the point where I turn goofy and dorky. Heck, I’m a happy drunk (so I’ve always been told). And ya know what? So what?! Seriously. I spent most of my life with a stick up my ass. We all deserve the opportunity to let loose now and again. I’m no different in that respect. Sometimes… not often but sometimes… I will stay out very late and sleep in very late. And ya know what? So what?! I didn’t do that as a teen. I didn’t do that in my 20’s. Heck, even through most of my 30’s, I didn’t do that. OK, so I’m catching up for lost time. It is my life, my life experiences, and my opportunity to finally give back to myself that which I denied myself so much earlier. Only now I have the good sense and wisdom that comes with time to know when and where.
So, dear friends. Yes indeed, there will be times when I stumble. There are occasions when I act like a goofball. There are times when I say or do something that does not fit into the comportment with which I typically carry myself.
Let he who hasn’t gotten stooopid-drunk cast the first stone.
Let she who didn’t make foolish decisions in her life judge.
I’m finally – FINALLY – loving my life, and I refuse to turn back. No longer do I live my life in an attempt to try and please other people. I live my life to please me. It has taken me a long time to get here, but I’m finally in a place that brings me joy.
I’m finally happy.
For most of my life, I was an uptight person. If you think I’m uptight nowadays, you have NO idea how far I’ve come – truly! As a kid, I had to be one of the most uptight/wound-up/nervous/anxious kids you would have ever met. And that attitude continued through my teen years and through college, and all the way up until my 30’s.
Why so uptight? Well… I can’t really say. Maybe it was my environment. Maybe it was my attempt to lead a straight lifestyle. Maybe it was my constant need to try and please other people without regard to myself. Maybe it was all of the above.
The fact is, for most of my life, I always doubted myself and always felt the need to seek approval. And for me, this meant pleasing other people. When I went to college, I chose a degree based on what my parents thought I should do – not what I wanted to do. Sure, my parents had the best of intent – go with Computer Science. It was “the way of the future”. And I would be sure to get a job. Yes, that is the best of intent. But there was one problem – I hated it. HATED IT! Sure, I got the degree, and I got into the business. And I hated it – HATED IT! And I have no doubt that it came across in my personality and interactions with people.
I also got married to a woman. I really did believe I was in love – heck, I probably was. But my own sexuality was suppressed so far away that I didn’t even know it was in question. Why? Well, because I wanted to please people. I grew up with an undercurrent of homophobia. Growing up in Ptown, gays were “tolerated”, but privately made fun of by the locals– all in jest of course (yah RIGHT!) And in the south, homosexuality was just an icky-nasty thing. It reinforced my subconscious denial. So yup, I was a straight guy – an unhappy one.
It wasn’t until fairly late in life that I started realizing that I could – and SHOULD – lead my OWN life for my own happiness. Sometimes… yes, sometimes… it really is ok to be selfish.
Despite being in my mid-forties, in a lot of ways, I’m in my teenagedom. Yes, sometimes I say things that are a bit out there. And ya know what? So what?! Seriously. I spent so much of my life holding back. Why? Sometimes, if the party is right, or the event is right, I will imbibe to the point where I turn goofy and dorky. Heck, I’m a happy drunk (so I’ve always been told). And ya know what? So what?! Seriously. I spent most of my life with a stick up my ass. We all deserve the opportunity to let loose now and again. I’m no different in that respect. Sometimes… not often but sometimes… I will stay out very late and sleep in very late. And ya know what? So what?! I didn’t do that as a teen. I didn’t do that in my 20’s. Heck, even through most of my 30’s, I didn’t do that. OK, so I’m catching up for lost time. It is my life, my life experiences, and my opportunity to finally give back to myself that which I denied myself so much earlier. Only now I have the good sense and wisdom that comes with time to know when and where.
So, dear friends. Yes indeed, there will be times when I stumble. There are occasions when I act like a goofball. There are times when I say or do something that does not fit into the comportment with which I typically carry myself.
Let he who hasn’t gotten stooopid-drunk cast the first stone.
Let she who didn’t make foolish decisions in her life judge.
I’m finally – FINALLY – loving my life, and I refuse to turn back. No longer do I live my life in an attempt to try and please other people. I live my life to please me. It has taken me a long time to get here, but I’m finally in a place that brings me joy.
I’m finally happy.