On Bullying
I don’t like bullies. Like many people I know, I was an awkward kid who just didn’t fit in, and I suffered bullying early on. I didn’t know how to fight. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. All I knew is that at various times in my childhood, I found myself terrified – absolutely TERRIFIED by bullies. So now, as an adult who much prefers adulthood to childhood, I am pretty darned sensitive to when I see bullying. And no - I don’t like it. But part of being an adult also means taking a breath and learning to recognize the difference between someone who is being a bully versus someone who just has a different perspective or opinion.
A “Bully”, as I see it, is a person who intentionally uses intimidation or guilt or some forceful tactic to get his or her way, at the price of suppressing you or your belief. And as the politically correct pendulum swings to the extreme, I have run into situations (more than a few as of late) where supposed anti-bullies use nothing less than bullying tactics to try and persuade me to see things their way. And if I don’t, all hell breaks loose. Ironic, no?
To help illustrate this phenomena, let me give you a hypothetical. Let’s say that I have a co-worker named Jane. Jane is professional and perfectly competent at her job. She is also very much a feminist. Sometimes we get along (which is normal). Sometimes we butt heads (which I believe is also normal). Sometimes we will chat around the water-cooler, and she will tell me about situations where she has been mistreated because she is a woman. Based on the information that she gives me, I agree with her. Under those circumstances where I agree with her, she tells me that I am a good guy and that I am an ally. But then, one day, she is up for promotion. But so is Larry. And in the long run, Larry gets the promotion. Sally is furious because she is convinced that she was passed up simply because upper management wanted to hire a man instead of a woman. I calmly point out to Sally, “Ya know… Larry has more experience. I don’t believe he was promoted over you because he is a man. I think he was just better qualified than you.” EXPLOSION!!!!! Suddenly, I’m no longer a good guy or an ally. Suddenly, Sally tells me my “privilege” is showing and I am “man-splaining” things to her.
Excuse me????? So basically, as long as I agree with Sally EVERY time she says something is sexist, I’m fine. But when I have the nerve to disagree with her, I am being a chauvinist, patronizing, and making excuses for other men.
What the proverbial fuck?!!!!!!!
To me, feminism means standing up for equality. It does NOT mean always agreeing with the woman’s point of view in a conflict. And to attack me for disagreeing by using the sexist angle is in my opinion nothing less than the very sexist bullying that Sally professes to abhor. (Do you want my lunch money while you’re at it?)
Where am I going with this? Simple. In my everyday dealings with friends and acquaintances, there are bound to be disagreements. So I follow the practice of discussing such disagreements like adults. I keep an open mind and consider things from another perspective. Maybe I didn’t have all the facts? Maybe my wording was clumsy and could be interpreted in a negative way? Maybe there was some misunderstanding? But sometimes, after the discussion has gone on and I have looked at things from different angles, my opinion just isn’t going to change. After further evaluation, I still feel exactly the same as I did before. That doesn’t mean I’m being stubborn. It just means that I don’t agree with you – no more and no less. You prefer Pepsi. I prefer Coke Zero. It’s just that simple and not a big deal to me. But INSISTING that I am not listening to you, or that I am being insensitive or sexist or chauvanistic or privileged etc., simply because I don’t agree with you is not cool – SERIOUSLY NOT COOL! And it is one of the few things that a person can do to me that is likely to get the door slammed in his or her face. Why? Because it is manipulative, and not something that I appreciate in the least. I am not going to live my life by your self-imposed rules. And if you don't like it, you can choose to lose sleep over it, because I won't be.
Bullying is not cool – even if it is done by those who were bullied in the name of those who are frequently bullied. Don’t resort to bullying. Try adulting instead.
A “Bully”, as I see it, is a person who intentionally uses intimidation or guilt or some forceful tactic to get his or her way, at the price of suppressing you or your belief. And as the politically correct pendulum swings to the extreme, I have run into situations (more than a few as of late) where supposed anti-bullies use nothing less than bullying tactics to try and persuade me to see things their way. And if I don’t, all hell breaks loose. Ironic, no?
To help illustrate this phenomena, let me give you a hypothetical. Let’s say that I have a co-worker named Jane. Jane is professional and perfectly competent at her job. She is also very much a feminist. Sometimes we get along (which is normal). Sometimes we butt heads (which I believe is also normal). Sometimes we will chat around the water-cooler, and she will tell me about situations where she has been mistreated because she is a woman. Based on the information that she gives me, I agree with her. Under those circumstances where I agree with her, she tells me that I am a good guy and that I am an ally. But then, one day, she is up for promotion. But so is Larry. And in the long run, Larry gets the promotion. Sally is furious because she is convinced that she was passed up simply because upper management wanted to hire a man instead of a woman. I calmly point out to Sally, “Ya know… Larry has more experience. I don’t believe he was promoted over you because he is a man. I think he was just better qualified than you.” EXPLOSION!!!!! Suddenly, I’m no longer a good guy or an ally. Suddenly, Sally tells me my “privilege” is showing and I am “man-splaining” things to her.
Excuse me????? So basically, as long as I agree with Sally EVERY time she says something is sexist, I’m fine. But when I have the nerve to disagree with her, I am being a chauvinist, patronizing, and making excuses for other men.
What the proverbial fuck?!!!!!!!
To me, feminism means standing up for equality. It does NOT mean always agreeing with the woman’s point of view in a conflict. And to attack me for disagreeing by using the sexist angle is in my opinion nothing less than the very sexist bullying that Sally professes to abhor. (Do you want my lunch money while you’re at it?)
Where am I going with this? Simple. In my everyday dealings with friends and acquaintances, there are bound to be disagreements. So I follow the practice of discussing such disagreements like adults. I keep an open mind and consider things from another perspective. Maybe I didn’t have all the facts? Maybe my wording was clumsy and could be interpreted in a negative way? Maybe there was some misunderstanding? But sometimes, after the discussion has gone on and I have looked at things from different angles, my opinion just isn’t going to change. After further evaluation, I still feel exactly the same as I did before. That doesn’t mean I’m being stubborn. It just means that I don’t agree with you – no more and no less. You prefer Pepsi. I prefer Coke Zero. It’s just that simple and not a big deal to me. But INSISTING that I am not listening to you, or that I am being insensitive or sexist or chauvanistic or privileged etc., simply because I don’t agree with you is not cool – SERIOUSLY NOT COOL! And it is one of the few things that a person can do to me that is likely to get the door slammed in his or her face. Why? Because it is manipulative, and not something that I appreciate in the least. I am not going to live my life by your self-imposed rules. And if you don't like it, you can choose to lose sleep over it, because I won't be.
Bullying is not cool – even if it is done by those who were bullied in the name of those who are frequently bullied. Don’t resort to bullying. Try adulting instead.