Closure

Rising from a deep sleep this morning, I felt a serene peace surround me, the residual feelings left over from a dream.  In the tableaux of my dream, I had run into some former friends at a party.  In reality, I cut these people out of my life years ago when they proved to be N.N.P.’s (Not Nice People).  But in sleep, our happy chance reunion brought about forgiveness and the washing away of the years of distance.  They offered me apology for wrongdoings, and I tearfully forgave them – simple as that.  Sadly, as waking reality washed over me, I realized that this will just never happen.  As the dream faded away, so did the image of us embraced as friends, which left me feeling disappointed.  A leopard doesn’t change its spots, and I have learned to stop giving anyone an endless opportunity to cause me pain.  Yet one simple fact remains.  I never got the closure that I had always wanted.

 

Closure is important to me – very important.  And to me, parting on bad terms seems incomplete to me.  Yes, people argue and fight.  Yes, from time to time we all scream and throw our hands up in the air in utter and complete frustration.  But ideally, there should be that scene where the parties kiss and make up, right?  I know, that sounds incredibly naïve.  I know that isn’t how it always happens.  But it SHOULD be, right?  The truth is I don’t like writing people off.  In fact, I really HATE to write people off.  I can argue an opposing view ‘til the hills fall over.  But seeing two different points of view on a subject is not grounds for a write-off.  It takes an unmistakable and irrefutable pattern of Really Bad Behavior before I put someone on a blacklist.  I guess in some ways I am lucky – my blacklist isn’t particularly big.  Yet, it makes me sad that I have one at all.

 

To paraphrase Mr. Vonnegut, God give me the strength to change what I can change, the patience to accept that which I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.  I feel like I still have far to go on this – especially the second part.  As naïve as it sounds, why CAN’T we all just get along?  Why can’t we all just agree to disagree?  Does a disagreement have to turn personal?  Why, for instance, must some people view losing as grounds to smear the reputation of the winner?  Honestly, how can some people face themselves in the mirror after committing a malicious act?  Are they unaware of ethics?  Morals?  Karma?  Are they unaware of how much damage they cause their own essence when they act out with hatred?  Each act of malice is like a dose of poison to the soul. 

 

A small part of me still feels the pain inflicted low-those-many-years-ago.  A much larger part of me mourns for the death of the good that I believe once existed in these former-friends.

 

Somehow, I need to learn that the only closure I will ever achieve in this particular case will be in dreams.  In my dreams, we will embrace as friends, and bygones will be bygones.  In dreams, leopards can change their spots.  Experience has taught me that life doesn’t work that way.  Only a truly unhappy person strikes out at another person’s joy.  Former-friends, I am truly sad for you.  You must be very, very lonely people.