My Husband Is Gay

Having completed a weekend full of errand-running, home improvement, dinner with friends, embroidery, painting, cleaning, cooking, and all the other projects that came about, a pleasant Sunday evening settled upon our little nook of Santa Ana.  Since all of the clocks had been adjusted, save for my own internal one, the evening felt more open than I would have expected.  With cuppa tea in hand, and comfy jammies on, I headed down to the back parlor where the couch-monster demanded IMMEDIATE attention.  Far be it for me to not obey the commands of the couch-monster.  Whoomp!

 

Flipping through the channels as part of the ritual of “57 channels, and nuthin’s on”, Giley and I settled on a BBC documentary called, “My husband is gay.”  Long story short, the documentary focused on several formerly married couples over in England where somewhere through the marriage, the groom outted himself as gay. 

 

Hmmm… sounds familiar!

 

Watching the show, I was fascinated by the dynamics of the couples.  In most cases, the couple divorced and lived apart while remaining friends.  In other cases, they may or may not have divorced, and chose to live together.  For them, the friendship had not changed, and the dependency upon each other had not changed.  Add on kids, and it just made more sense to live together as best-friend/roommates who just happened to have kids together.  On the weekends, he would go out on his dates, and she on hers.  Power to them, I figure. 

 

Towards the end of the program, they focused in on one particular woman who discussed the emotional pain she suffered when her husband told her he was gay.  In the five years since the divorce, she had not been able to have another meaningful relationship because of the pain that she still felt.  She felt dumped.  She felt like she could not trust her own instincts, and that she would always question a man’s sexuality since she had not foreseen what had happened with her ex-husband.  In short – poor her. 

 

After watching this woman go on for a while, I began to get angry – REALLY angry.  “Oh poor, pathetic her!” I thought to myself.  “Never mind that her husband has spent his entire life living a lie and pushing his own true self into a little box because society pressure has taught him that it is not acceptable for him to breathe.  It is all about HER!  Oh poor HER!  Forget about how much emotional turmoil he must be in, and will continue to go through.  It is all about HER!  Forget that he is a grown man who now has to figure out late in life exactly who the hell he is.  Think about HER!  Now she can’t date because another man might go gay on her.  Poor, poor HER!  Oh gee… I hope her ex doesn’t get gay-bashed.  Just think of how devastating that would be… for HER!” 

 

ARGH! 

 

Yes, I am expressing some of my own personal experience in this sentiment.  For cryin’ out loud – it isn’t ALL ABOUT HER!!!!

 

Once the anger subsided, I realized that it was partially misplaced – but only partially.  While in situations like this, I am usually more likely to show immediate concern for the person who is outing himself (or HERSELF for that matter), I do recognize that both parties suffer.  A divorce is, in its own way, a death.  And both parties feel the pain.  I am not saying that the straight soon-to-be-ex-partner does not feel pain.  I am not saying that the straight soon-to-be-ex-partner does not have the right to be confused, or depressed, or angry or upset.  I just have little tolerance for people who turn situations like this into an excuse to be emotionally stunted for life.  For some people, “I got hurt!” becomes an excuse to never move forward and to spend the rest of one’s life with a chip on one’s shoulder.  The word does not owe you, me, or anybody else because you got hurt, so deal.  The gay partner did not do this TO you.  Chances are, since the gay partner married you in the first place, the gay partner would have preferred it if he (or she) could have just flipped a switch to NOT be gay.  But guess what – nature just doesn’t work that way, nor should it.  Nature creates all sorts of variety.  Some birds cannot fly.  Some fish flop themselves up onto land.  Some mammals lay eggs.  Some rocks float.  Some metals are liquid.  We don’t have one set of rules for all things – nor should we.  It simply is what it is.

 

To the British ex-wife who hasn’t managed to move on after five years because of the pain she suffered – your pain, I am sure, was very real.  You cannot help the way that you feel.  But I strongly advise you – pick yourself up by the bootstraps and do not allow this situation to control the rest of your life.  While what happened had a major impact upon you – it didn’t happen TO you or BECAUSE of you.  As such, let go of the marriage, hold onto the friendship if that is possible, and move on.  If in time to come you find yourself still shelled away, still alone, and still miserable, guess who you have to blame?  NOT your ex-husband.  If you find yourself all alone, guess what – it truly WILL be All About You.