“Safety Tips”, aka McDUUUUH 101

This week has been designated “Public Health Week”. (Don’t ask me who decides such things. Clearly, it must have been somebody Very, Very Important). Naturally, since I work for a health care organization, every morning this week I have found a “Daily Health Tip” sent out to all employees, in honor of this auspicious week. One would think, given the nature of our business, that such daily tips might actually provide some interesting new statistics or little-known-facts. In the very least, one might hope for at least SOMETHING with a spark of “hmmmm… interesting”, right?

 

Oh no.

 

Monday: “Drink Water”. Wow. Earth-shattering-revelations, thy name is Duh. There’s nothing like coming in to work for another fun-filled week of thumping one’s head against the desk, and reading a startling revelation such as this. At least the “Wear Sunscreen” speech combined a silly bit of advice with some thought-provoking concepts. One must wonder – if we are being now encouraged to drink water, what HAVE we all been drinking at work? Note to self - check the desk-drawers for unmarked bottles!

 

Tuesday: “Eat a Rainbow”. SNORT! OK, I know that I have the maturity of a 14-year old sometimes (read that as most days ending in “y”), but SERIOUSLY?! While the rest of the email actually went on to encourage us all to eat a variety of colorful vegetables, I wasn’t sure at first if the tip was to eat a pack of Skittles, or to spend more time in gay bars. Oh, who am I kidding – we all know exactly where my brain went!

 

Wednesday: “Avoid the Bite”. Hmmmm… this could be just about anything. Let’s find out more. As I read through the rest of the tip, it advised us all that, with the approach of Summer, we need to start considering how to protect ourselves from bug bites. One suggestion involved wearing long-sleeve shirts. (um… in the SUMMERtime? Seriously?!) But the real kicker came with the line, “it’s important to remember to protect ourselves from mosquitoes, and other creatures such as bats and fleas.” Excuse me…. WTF? BATS?!!!!!! OK, I can picture myself in the back parlor hearing that all-too-familiar-and-annoying buzzing that leads to a loud SMACK! Was it a flea? No. Was it a fly? No. Was it a mosquito? Oh ye GODS! Maybe it was a BAT!!!! I can just picture it now. “Hey honey, on your way back from work, can you please stop off at Target? We need some citronella candles, and a can of Bat-be-Gone.”

 

Ah… Public Health Week – an endless stream of the funny.