The News – what REALLY happens… maybe

Yes, it’s true. I love to pick on California news crews. I just can’t help it - they really are just that much of a caricature!!!!!

 

Now, I’ll be the first one to admit, I am not a fan of business dress. I find ties to be uncomfortable as all get-out. And when it comes to doing a job from 9 to 5, I think the important question to consider is – does the business dress help, or hinder? If one’s job involves behind-the-scenes administration, I think comfort is key. But yes, if one’s job involves appearing professional before a key audience, then by all means, one should get all dolled-up. And newscasters fit into this category. On the World News, newscasters always appear professional. But when it comes to local California news, we see something different – VERY different.

 

The men, for the most part, dress well-enough. But let’s face it – how challenging is it really for men to dress business professional? We really only have one choice – dress-shirt that buttons at the neck (GAG!), tie, and blazer. As long as the three coordinate (and they have help for that), it should work! Yet sadly, the overall “look” often doesn’t work. Why? Could it be the fact that many of the male newscasters look… well… ORANGE? Sorry, but too much tanning salon and bronzer is NOT a good thing. And then there are the ones who pose – REALLY pose. REALLY, REALLY POSE! They can be doing a report on a horrible car accident, and oddly enough, they never miss an opportunity to catch-the-light and flash the pearly whites. Taking their hints more from Tyra than from the roads paved by Cronkite, Rather, and Rooney, these woulda-coulda-shoulda-beens stumble through teleprompter stories with about as much conviction as an O.J. Simpson trial.

 

Then there are the women.

 

Oh Lordie, where to even BEGIN? Some have lips bigger than their entire heads. Some have faces that only move from the nose down. Others have cascades of blond hair pulled over one shoulder and clasped in a love locket taken right from the cover of “Bodice Ripper Daily”. And still others have eyes pulled back so much that they probably meet somewhere in the back of their heads. Could it GET any worse?

 

Oh… yes. There is the newscast itself.

 

I’m not sure who decides what makes “headline” news, but the order of importance is, well, questionable. Take yesterday for instance. The #1 story was Linsday Lohan and the status of her prison sentence. #2 involved an earthquake that hit California. #3 involved out-of-control-wildfires. Squeeze me? Bakin’ powder? Shut the front door! SERIOUSLY?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I just don’t understand it, but it seems like when it comes to local California news, three things rate over and above all others: Celebrity news, Car-chases, and Weather (when there is some).

 

The Weather is one that absolutely cracks me up. Since here in SoCal we really don’t HAVE weather, whenever there is anything outside of the norm (calm, sunny, and moderate temperatures), it is Big Headline News. One of the funniest involves wind. Watching the reports makes me crack up. How can I describe it? Ya know how in Star Trek, DeForest Kelley had the extra special challenge of constantly delivering the news, “He’s Dead, Jim” without it always sounding like the same exact thing? Well, that’s what happens here with things like wind. When the forecast involves windy weather, for some reason it is treated like a Really Big Deal. And it would appear that the studio exec believes that wind should take up a big chunk of time. I wonder what must happen behind the scenes for such reports.

 

Weatherguy: “Well today, SoCal residents, we can expect really Wiiiiiiiiiiindy conditions from about 3:00pm onwards, with gusts in excess of 20 miles an hour.”

 

Studio exec: “OK Chuck. Keep going. Stretch it out a bit more.”

 

Weatherguy: (Crap. OK, stretch….) “Um… the wind, coming from the Palm Springs desert, will bring in warm gusts to inland areas. That… um… might make conditions seem a bit warmer… and dryer.”

 

Studio exec: “Doin’ good Chuck. Keep going.”

 

Weatherguy: (Sunnuva…. Ok, I can do this!) “Sooooooooo… the wind… um… which is windy… will continue to blow in… and will um… gust. The gusts… which are fed by dry and warm conditions from the dessert… will… um… blow on through the day…”

 

Studio exec: “That’s good Chuck. Now warn people about what might happen.

 

Weatherguy: (DAMNIT!!!! This is turning into a fustercluck) “So SoCal residents, be aware that if you have any low-hanging dry or dead branches on your trees, the wind can, um, knock those branches down. And… um… if you are standing under them or park your car under them, they um… might cause some… um… damage. You don’t want to get knocked up… I mean knocked over…. Um, hit in the head by a flying branch from this… um… wind or gusts.”

 

Studio exec: “You still have another 5 minutes Chuck.”

 

Weatherguy: (FUTHER-MUCKER!!!!!!!!!!) “So the JET STREAM! Let’s talk about the Jet Stream! The Jet Stream… um… which also blows and… um… controls and increases wind gusts is a mighty big player in this whole insane equation. Um… yessiree bob, the Jet Stream… which feeds into the wind… which makes the wind, um… windier… um… with gusts… that gust… into windy, gusty conditions….um… did you ever see the Perfect Storm? Well, this isn’t quite the perfect storm, but… um…”

 

Studio exec: “OK Chuck, you can wrap it up now.”

 

Weatherguy: (ABOUT FLIPPIN TIME!!!!) “So look out for that CRAAAAAAAAZY weather, and have yourselves a great weekend… I mean Monday.” (Finds the light and smiles until the camera fades)

 

Have a great day everybody! Oh, and watch out for that wind.