Out

 

The word itself can imply so many negative things. Just a cursory look through the dictionary calls up words such as ‘banned,’ ‘prohibited,’ ‘barred,’ ‘vetoed,’ ‘forbidden,’ ‘censored,’ or ‘exposed’. For someone coming to terms with his or her sexuality, the concept of “coming out” is probably one of the most terrifying rites of passage to ever be experienced. Why? For so many reasons and so many fears. There is the fear of rejection, the fear of prejudice, fear of uncertainty, fear of change, and at its core – the fear that once you are out, there is no going back - ever.

For me personally, my “outing” was not easy – but not for the typical reasons. I really wasn’t worried about being rejected by friends or family. Au contraire! I’ve always felt very supported by both. Rather, it was facing myself in the mirror. You see, I mastered the state of denial. I was so far past denial that the light from denial wasn’t going to reach me for a couple of years! So, while sitting in my living room one day surrounded by the shattered remnants of my first marriage, I was quite shocked when I realized that I did not want to try again with another woman. The problem wasn’t making things work with a woman. The problem wasn’t women. The problem was me – I didn’t know myself and wasn’t acknowledging where I was wired to go. And believe it or not, it was a real shock for me.

My first “Out” moment was hard – really hard. And I cried and I freaked and I was ready for the world to collapse. But it didn’t. The next one was a bit easier. The next, easier still. And easier still. Eventually, it became as inconsequential as saying, “Hmmmm… I wonder if we’re in for a bit of rain today?” So now, looking back, I gotta ask my younger self – why did you wait so long to get to know me? Why did you have to go through such a tough set of life lessons to get to this point? Why did you not take the time to just hug yourself, love yourself and be yourself?

Oh well. I guess if I really wanted to beat myself up for not getting a clue earlier, I could – but it would just be a waste of time. The important thing is, I’m happy NOW. Today, and for many years now, I have been happy – truly, wonderfully, peacefully, blissfully happy. Oh sure, some days are cloudy. And my hubby and I have gotten into a couple of spats from time to time (usually involving china patterns, shiny silver things, or other dorky things that ONLY he and I would ever argue about). But I really doubt I could be happier than I am with my life. And it is all because I came out.

Today I read that Anderson Cooper finally publicly acknowledged that he is gay. Good for you, Mister Cooper! Can I say I’m surprised? Hell no. He has always had a neither-confirm-nor-deny policy. And in his professional role as a reporter, his view has been that he should keep his private life just that – so that he can report the news fairly and unbiased. In a way, I appreciate that – except for one thing. Straight reporters don’t hide the fact that they have families. Why should anyone? And I think he finally realized that. The fact is, it isn’t unusual to be gay – it just isn’t. Sexuality is just that – it is something that we all have, in different shades and different variations. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to judge. Thank you Mr. Cooper for acknowledging who and what you are. I for one laud your decision, respect your privacy, and have no doubt that you will continue to be every bit as professional and successful as you have ever been. Your world will not shatter. You will be a success as you have been all along.

Hear that, Mr. Seacrest?