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The Marriage Threat
Apr. 4th, 2013 06:00 pmOh heck, even I am getting tired of opening the paper and reading about Marriage Equality across the country. Why? Because no matter what the level (city, state or federal), or where in the country the argument takes place, it is always, always, ALWAYS the same old thing: same-gender advocates fight for equal-protection under the law versus people making the archaic argument that same-gender marriage somehow jeopardizes the very concept of what “traditional” marriage is. (…whatever a “traditional” marriage is. But that’s a whole other philosophical concept)
As easy as it is for me to just dismiss the arguments of the would-be-marriage-restrictors as pure malarkey, I cannot honestly say that my marriage - or my relationship with Paul - is just like that of the married couple down the street. There actually ARE differences. Some of these differences are unique to us because our relationship is ours and nobody else’s. But other differences come from the fact that we happen to be two men.
Whether we like it or not, the repetition of history, stereotyping, and gender-roles have painted a picture of what “traditional marriage” in America is. The “ideal” (or so we are taught to believe) is that Ward Cleaver goes off to work while June Cleaver will always look prim and proper while baking pies and cleaning the house, and the kids will occasionally get into mischief while never saying anything worse than “gosh” or “golly”.
BLECH!
Now don’t get me wrong – if indeed the Cleavers exist out there, I wish them nothing but happiness and joy. Truly! They seem like a happy family, and their model seems to work for them. And that’s the key – it works for them. But does it work for everybody?
NO!!!!!!!! And that’s the point.
Marriage is not a single cookie-cutter. Nor should it be. It isn’t that the Cleaver-model doesn’t work for same-gender – the Cleavers don’t work for MOST people out there. They simply don’t. They don’t work for people of a strong non-middle-American ethnic culture. They don’t work for people of mixed-race. They don’t work for people of differing religions. What if the wife has the crazy idea of, oh I dunno, NOT being a stay-at-home mom and instead pursuing a career of her own? What if dad wants to be a stay-at-home dad while his wife climbs the corporate ladder? What if the couple decides to NOT have kids or cannot have kids? What if the couple decides that they prefer to be together based on their own love and trust, rather than because of a legal-bond and/or church-bond? What about extended families? Adoptions? Surrogacy? Divorce? Desertion? Plural-marriages? Etc., etc.,etc.
To be perfect honest, I really believe that “The Fear” that advocates of “traditional marriage” have is that same-gender marriage opens the door for people to think – really THINK – about marriage and whether or not they all need to be pigeon-holed into particular roles. And that scares them. That scares them A LOT! Why? Because they will lose control.
Somewhere, out in Kansas, a young and very naïve future June Cleaver has always been taught that her role is to do what her future husband tells her, to bear his children, to cook and to clean. But gee, if Bob and Steve get married, and neither Bob nor Steve are stay-at-home-dads, and they eat out, and they are legally married… then why should she have to do all these things? Why should she have to simply accept a life and a lifestyle that she doesn’t actually want? June might be encouraged to (GASP!) think outside of the box! June might decide to talk back to Ward. Maybe June doesn’t WANT to have kids. Maybe June wants to get a job and a career of her own. Perhaps Father DOESN’T know best?! Maybe Ward will NOT end up wearing the pants. OH, NO!!!!!!!! We can’t have THAT now can we?! This screws up the ability of the conservative good-ol-boys-network to hold a monopoly on decision-making. A dumb, or abusive, or selfish Ward Cleaver will no longer have “tradition” to support his supreme right to call the shots. This scares Ward. This scares Ward A LOT!
The fact is, our marriage is unique to us because we are unique people. Paul and I did not fall into particular roles because of gender – and yet, our marriage works. We fell into particular roles and responsibilities very naturally – sometimes through trial and error, sometimes through compromise and communication, and sometimes through practicality. He puts things away on the top shelves. Why? Because he is taller! I do all the cooking – because I am good at it and because Paul hates to cook. Paul does all the laundry – because he is good at it and because I am all thumbs with an iron.
Are we two perfect peas-in-a-pod? F$*%$ no! I regularly get annoyed because he goes to bed at 9:30 at night like an old fuddy-duddy; and I’m sure he (justifiably) gets annoyed at me because I am snarly and bitchy in the morning when he is alert and perky and happy. I like pop music. He likes classical. He goes to church. I hug trees. Sure, we’re the same gender – but we are very different people. Yet, these two very different people have found a way to make marriage work – not for the world, or for America, or for the State of California, or for Orange County, or even for Santa Ana. We’ve made it work - for us. And when it comes to marriage – isn’t that the point?
Don’t we all deserve the right to do that?
As easy as it is for me to just dismiss the arguments of the would-be-marriage-restrictors as pure malarkey, I cannot honestly say that my marriage - or my relationship with Paul - is just like that of the married couple down the street. There actually ARE differences. Some of these differences are unique to us because our relationship is ours and nobody else’s. But other differences come from the fact that we happen to be two men.
Whether we like it or not, the repetition of history, stereotyping, and gender-roles have painted a picture of what “traditional marriage” in America is. The “ideal” (or so we are taught to believe) is that Ward Cleaver goes off to work while June Cleaver will always look prim and proper while baking pies and cleaning the house, and the kids will occasionally get into mischief while never saying anything worse than “gosh” or “golly”.
BLECH!
Now don’t get me wrong – if indeed the Cleavers exist out there, I wish them nothing but happiness and joy. Truly! They seem like a happy family, and their model seems to work for them. And that’s the key – it works for them. But does it work for everybody?
NO!!!!!!!! And that’s the point.
Marriage is not a single cookie-cutter. Nor should it be. It isn’t that the Cleaver-model doesn’t work for same-gender – the Cleavers don’t work for MOST people out there. They simply don’t. They don’t work for people of a strong non-middle-American ethnic culture. They don’t work for people of mixed-race. They don’t work for people of differing religions. What if the wife has the crazy idea of, oh I dunno, NOT being a stay-at-home mom and instead pursuing a career of her own? What if dad wants to be a stay-at-home dad while his wife climbs the corporate ladder? What if the couple decides to NOT have kids or cannot have kids? What if the couple decides that they prefer to be together based on their own love and trust, rather than because of a legal-bond and/or church-bond? What about extended families? Adoptions? Surrogacy? Divorce? Desertion? Plural-marriages? Etc., etc.,etc.
To be perfect honest, I really believe that “The Fear” that advocates of “traditional marriage” have is that same-gender marriage opens the door for people to think – really THINK – about marriage and whether or not they all need to be pigeon-holed into particular roles. And that scares them. That scares them A LOT! Why? Because they will lose control.
Somewhere, out in Kansas, a young and very naïve future June Cleaver has always been taught that her role is to do what her future husband tells her, to bear his children, to cook and to clean. But gee, if Bob and Steve get married, and neither Bob nor Steve are stay-at-home-dads, and they eat out, and they are legally married… then why should she have to do all these things? Why should she have to simply accept a life and a lifestyle that she doesn’t actually want? June might be encouraged to (GASP!) think outside of the box! June might decide to talk back to Ward. Maybe June doesn’t WANT to have kids. Maybe June wants to get a job and a career of her own. Perhaps Father DOESN’T know best?! Maybe Ward will NOT end up wearing the pants. OH, NO!!!!!!!! We can’t have THAT now can we?! This screws up the ability of the conservative good-ol-boys-network to hold a monopoly on decision-making. A dumb, or abusive, or selfish Ward Cleaver will no longer have “tradition” to support his supreme right to call the shots. This scares Ward. This scares Ward A LOT!
The fact is, our marriage is unique to us because we are unique people. Paul and I did not fall into particular roles because of gender – and yet, our marriage works. We fell into particular roles and responsibilities very naturally – sometimes through trial and error, sometimes through compromise and communication, and sometimes through practicality. He puts things away on the top shelves. Why? Because he is taller! I do all the cooking – because I am good at it and because Paul hates to cook. Paul does all the laundry – because he is good at it and because I am all thumbs with an iron.
Are we two perfect peas-in-a-pod? F$*%$ no! I regularly get annoyed because he goes to bed at 9:30 at night like an old fuddy-duddy; and I’m sure he (justifiably) gets annoyed at me because I am snarly and bitchy in the morning when he is alert and perky and happy. I like pop music. He likes classical. He goes to church. I hug trees. Sure, we’re the same gender – but we are very different people. Yet, these two very different people have found a way to make marriage work – not for the world, or for America, or for the State of California, or for Orange County, or even for Santa Ana. We’ve made it work - for us. And when it comes to marriage – isn’t that the point?
Don’t we all deserve the right to do that?
