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Soul Torture
May. 15th, 2013 12:39 pmWhen I mention the word, “torture”, I’m sure many of you can come up with all sorts of disturbing mental visuals of waterboarding or something a bit more medieval-inspired. But in a modern context, when we say the word torture, we are rarely talking about something that is physically unbearable. More often, it is something really annoying or disturbing… like nails on a chalkboard. Ahhhh…. But are nails on a chalkboard necessarily all that disturbing? To some, yes. Probably to most, to different degrees. But to whom, and to what degree? It is with that in mind that I want to talk for a moment about things that make us nuts, and what it is about our personalities and chemistry that make things just so intrinsically unbearable. Because I think figuring that out is truly the key to determining if one is normal, a bit unusual, really needing some medicinal help, or just out-n-out batshit-cray-cray.
For me personally, I am sad to admit that I suffer “torture” from a number of things that may seem completely innocuous or simply not-that-big-of-a-deal to most people. But to me, they aren’t just annoying or rude or disturbing – they are sometimes (depending on the intensity), almost more than I can bear. So in no particular order, I want to talk about them, if for no other reason than to get this out there and see if I’m just nutso and alone with this:
CLUTTER: Yah, ok, I’m a neat-freak. So are many people. So what? I’ll tell ya what – it is a Great Big Deal! When I see clutter – even if I am powerless to do anything about it, it becomes all-consuming. I can’t focus – because there’s clutter! I can’t think about other things – because there’s clutter! Clutter attracts dust and dirt… meaning that anything near the clutter becomes dusty and dirty… and that includes me… and suddenly my throat seizes up and I can’t breathe because there’s clutter! The clutter takes over! The clutter leads to more clutter! And that leads to more dirt and mold and disease and decay! THAT is all I can see and think of when I see clutter. I hate it. I HATE IT! And it isn’t just the clutter itself that I’m talking about – it is the control that clutter has over me. Trust me, I would love to just be able to fully relax and not worry about the mess. But I can’t. My brain won’t let me.
SLOW-SPEAK: Yes, I know you have a point to make. Yes, I know you are trying to formulate your words carefully. Yes, I know you are trying to give me all the information that you think I need. Yes, I get that. But… but… but… will you PLEASE HURRY UP AND GET TO YOUR F&CKING POINT?????!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously!!!!!!!!! Sometimes, when a person speaks too slowly – it is physically impossible, no matter how hard I try, to be able to stay focused on what he or she is trying to say. It just suddenly becomes completely unengaging – much like a monotonous speaker who speaks in circles. I don’t mean to be disrespectful when I’m in these situations. But in almost no time, I start to physically squirm as my body begins to do things on its own – probably in an attempt to run out the door before I slip into a coma.
REPETITION AND OVEREXPLANATION: Going hand-in-hand with slow-speak, I can’t stand this! If I have a process that involves 20 steps and I have a question just on step 7, that does NOT mean go back and explain all 20 steps to me!!!!!!!!! Nor do you need to stand over me and explain all 20 steps when I have the directions in my hand and am capable of reading. If I only have a question on step 7, just answer my question – quickly and efficiently.
I don’t know if these things are quite “phobias”, but I would have to say that they are every bit as severe. Take almost any standard phobia out there, and I’m sure either you or someone you know may suffer a paralyzing response to something that, in and of itself, is really not a threat. Fear of small spaces? Heights? Spiders? Mice? For most people, the fear and mental reaction to such things either doesn’t exist at all, or is so minor as to not be noticeable. For others, there may be slight discomfort. But for a few, for no particular reason, the intense hysterical fear is so very real and intense as to be crippling and life-altering. I would have to say, with no exaggeration, that the types of things that I named above are exactly that for me. It isn’t that I’m an arrogant pup who is too-cool-for-school and can’t be bothered to sit through a lecture class. It is that, depending on the personality of the teacher, some lecture-classes are so repetitious or slow that I fight back the tears to sit through them and usually snap a few pencils under the desk while trying to fight off a freak-out attack. I liken it to a prisoner thrown into solitary-confinement. The prison system recognizes that such a thing is indeed a type of torture – and that lack of mental stimulation is something that I understand all-too-well.
So good friends, if you ever see me in one of these situations and see me squirm – it isn’t that I am being intentionally rude or disrespectful. It is that my soul is on fire!
For me personally, I am sad to admit that I suffer “torture” from a number of things that may seem completely innocuous or simply not-that-big-of-a-deal to most people. But to me, they aren’t just annoying or rude or disturbing – they are sometimes (depending on the intensity), almost more than I can bear. So in no particular order, I want to talk about them, if for no other reason than to get this out there and see if I’m just nutso and alone with this:
CLUTTER: Yah, ok, I’m a neat-freak. So are many people. So what? I’ll tell ya what – it is a Great Big Deal! When I see clutter – even if I am powerless to do anything about it, it becomes all-consuming. I can’t focus – because there’s clutter! I can’t think about other things – because there’s clutter! Clutter attracts dust and dirt… meaning that anything near the clutter becomes dusty and dirty… and that includes me… and suddenly my throat seizes up and I can’t breathe because there’s clutter! The clutter takes over! The clutter leads to more clutter! And that leads to more dirt and mold and disease and decay! THAT is all I can see and think of when I see clutter. I hate it. I HATE IT! And it isn’t just the clutter itself that I’m talking about – it is the control that clutter has over me. Trust me, I would love to just be able to fully relax and not worry about the mess. But I can’t. My brain won’t let me.
SLOW-SPEAK: Yes, I know you have a point to make. Yes, I know you are trying to formulate your words carefully. Yes, I know you are trying to give me all the information that you think I need. Yes, I get that. But… but… but… will you PLEASE HURRY UP AND GET TO YOUR F&CKING POINT?????!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously!!!!!!!!! Sometimes, when a person speaks too slowly – it is physically impossible, no matter how hard I try, to be able to stay focused on what he or she is trying to say. It just suddenly becomes completely unengaging – much like a monotonous speaker who speaks in circles. I don’t mean to be disrespectful when I’m in these situations. But in almost no time, I start to physically squirm as my body begins to do things on its own – probably in an attempt to run out the door before I slip into a coma.
REPETITION AND OVEREXPLANATION: Going hand-in-hand with slow-speak, I can’t stand this! If I have a process that involves 20 steps and I have a question just on step 7, that does NOT mean go back and explain all 20 steps to me!!!!!!!!! Nor do you need to stand over me and explain all 20 steps when I have the directions in my hand and am capable of reading. If I only have a question on step 7, just answer my question – quickly and efficiently.
I don’t know if these things are quite “phobias”, but I would have to say that they are every bit as severe. Take almost any standard phobia out there, and I’m sure either you or someone you know may suffer a paralyzing response to something that, in and of itself, is really not a threat. Fear of small spaces? Heights? Spiders? Mice? For most people, the fear and mental reaction to such things either doesn’t exist at all, or is so minor as to not be noticeable. For others, there may be slight discomfort. But for a few, for no particular reason, the intense hysterical fear is so very real and intense as to be crippling and life-altering. I would have to say, with no exaggeration, that the types of things that I named above are exactly that for me. It isn’t that I’m an arrogant pup who is too-cool-for-school and can’t be bothered to sit through a lecture class. It is that, depending on the personality of the teacher, some lecture-classes are so repetitious or slow that I fight back the tears to sit through them and usually snap a few pencils under the desk while trying to fight off a freak-out attack. I liken it to a prisoner thrown into solitary-confinement. The prison system recognizes that such a thing is indeed a type of torture – and that lack of mental stimulation is something that I understand all-too-well.
So good friends, if you ever see me in one of these situations and see me squirm – it isn’t that I am being intentionally rude or disrespectful. It is that my soul is on fire!
