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Humor Barbs
Apr. 2nd, 2015 12:45 pmI realize that I am navigating some potentially dangerous waters here, but I have something I need to just get off my chest right now. I’m gonna take a little break from all the politics going on in the US right now and vent about something personal.
I have a quirky sense of humor. I know it. I own it. And to be honest, I really like it! It is one of my qualities that I am actually pretty pleased with. Just like any class-clown out there, there are times that my puns or jokes make the audience laugh (while some uptight critic rolls his or her eyes in annoyance), while at other times the joke falls flat (but somebody in the back corner who really was the intended recipient laughs his ass off). OK, fine. Just as one cannot please all the people all the time, not every off-the-cuff comment is going to be gold. But they are always intended to make people laugh.
I consider my sense of humor to be “snarky”. Now… what does that word actually mean? To me, it just means mischievous. Sometimes it is more deadpan, but often it is just playful and impish. But never, never, NEVER is my intent to use humor to be mean or hurtful! If I have something unpleasant to say, I’m not going to mask it with humor. I will say what needs to be said directly to the face of the person that I want to say it to. And that is really the point of this post. Why doesn’t everybody do that?
Now, before I go any further, I want to make something very clear. I am NOT writing this about any one particular person or about any one particular instance. This is just something I have run into from time to time in my life, and it annoys the crap out of me! It doesn’t happen a lot. It’s pretty rare, actually. But when it does happen (again), it feels like an old wound being reopened, and I get really annoyed.
Every now and again, I run into somebody who appears to be just as playful in their humor as I am. So we trade barbs. Just like bratty siblings, “Bob” will say something snarky to me, and I will respond in-kind. In a lot of ways, I think that such exchanges are healthy. They help people who are overly-sensitive (speaking as a former fat kid cry-baby here!) to become a little less sensitive to words (which no matter what anyone says do NOT break bones like sticks and stones). But I digress. Back to Bob…
The exchanges with Bob go back and forth, and I don’t think anything of it other than to snicker at Bob’s zingers and to try and come up with something clever in response. This is all fine. But then every now and then, something Bob says crosses the line in my mind. So what should I do? Rather than go into attack-mode, I contact Bob rather seriously and just ask him what’s up? Was he just being playful? Or did he really mean to cross the line in an attack? The vast majority of times, it was just playfulness or a misunderstanding and all is good. We take a time-out and then go back to our relationship the next day. Exchanges like this are, in my opinion, actually healthy. They help two people to figure out the lines and boundaries for their relationship.
“So Guppyman… what’s the problem?” you are probably wondering.
The problem is when Bob (who has been playful with his humor with me for ages) all of a sudden goes into full-on attack mode. After I pull him aside to ask what is going on, I find out that all along he has been upset or angry at my humor thinking (mistakenly) that I was seriously and maliciously making fun of him or attacking him or being passive-aggressive towards him.
W….T….F….?????????
I don’t know what is worse:
A. the fact that Bob has been so passive-aggressive as to be saying half-kidding/half-serious things about me either privately or publicly;
B. that Bob (who has known me long enough to know that I’m NOT a bad guy) actually views me as being an intentionally hurtful person; or
C. that Bob is being a complete hypocrite! After all, he was upset thinking that I was intentionally trying to upset him by throwing barbs. So what does he do in response? The very thing that he has accused me of doing. AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!
Seriously, I do not consider myself a confrontational person whatsoever. But if I am unsure about someone’s intentions or behavior, I WILL pull that person aside (privately) to find out what is going on. I cannot believe that some people just can’t or won’t show me the same courtesy. What are we – seven years old? When an adult becomes annoyed or upset by the actions of another adult; or even questions the actions of the other adult, the proper thing to do is to reach out to that other adult to see if there is perhaps some misunderstanding. In my experience, the vast, vast, VAST majority of times, it really IS just a misunderstanding. And by identifying it right then and there, it prevents what could become a very unnecessary Great Big Huge fight later on that might even end the friendship and make others feel like they need to draw lines in the sand. Is that always the easiest thing to do? No. But it is the RIGHT thing to do. It is the RESPECTFUL thing to do. And it is the adult thing to do.
I do not make excuses for my actions. I own them. I recognize that regardless of my intentions, sometimes the words that I use might result in someone feeling hurt or picked on. After all, Bob cannot help how he feels when he hears my words. My INTENT is to make him laugh. But who knows? Maybe without meaning to, I will strike a negative cord with him that triggers some deep-seated insecurity. If Bob comes to me and talks to me about it, I do my best to have a grown-up conversation with him and resolve the situation. After all, if my original intent was to make Bob laugh, obviously I will want to turn that frown upside down as quickly as possible. But if Bob does the wrong thing and decides to intentionally inflict upset upon me, I’m not going to be as willing to be the rational and calm one – especially for a problem that he is actually creating.
To the Bobs that I have run into in my life. Act your age! If you have a problem with me or with anybody else in your life for that matter, talk to them like a grown-up. If you want to work with me to problem-solve, I’ll work with you. But if you are more interesting in creating drama where there is none, I’m just going to change the channel. I’m a busy man. I am loved. I have a lot going on in my life. I know a lot of people and lead a fantastic life. I simply don’t have time or interest to buy into your seven-year-old behavior.
I left being seven behind forty years ago.
I have a quirky sense of humor. I know it. I own it. And to be honest, I really like it! It is one of my qualities that I am actually pretty pleased with. Just like any class-clown out there, there are times that my puns or jokes make the audience laugh (while some uptight critic rolls his or her eyes in annoyance), while at other times the joke falls flat (but somebody in the back corner who really was the intended recipient laughs his ass off). OK, fine. Just as one cannot please all the people all the time, not every off-the-cuff comment is going to be gold. But they are always intended to make people laugh.
I consider my sense of humor to be “snarky”. Now… what does that word actually mean? To me, it just means mischievous. Sometimes it is more deadpan, but often it is just playful and impish. But never, never, NEVER is my intent to use humor to be mean or hurtful! If I have something unpleasant to say, I’m not going to mask it with humor. I will say what needs to be said directly to the face of the person that I want to say it to. And that is really the point of this post. Why doesn’t everybody do that?
Now, before I go any further, I want to make something very clear. I am NOT writing this about any one particular person or about any one particular instance. This is just something I have run into from time to time in my life, and it annoys the crap out of me! It doesn’t happen a lot. It’s pretty rare, actually. But when it does happen (again), it feels like an old wound being reopened, and I get really annoyed.
Every now and again, I run into somebody who appears to be just as playful in their humor as I am. So we trade barbs. Just like bratty siblings, “Bob” will say something snarky to me, and I will respond in-kind. In a lot of ways, I think that such exchanges are healthy. They help people who are overly-sensitive (speaking as a former fat kid cry-baby here!) to become a little less sensitive to words (which no matter what anyone says do NOT break bones like sticks and stones). But I digress. Back to Bob…
The exchanges with Bob go back and forth, and I don’t think anything of it other than to snicker at Bob’s zingers and to try and come up with something clever in response. This is all fine. But then every now and then, something Bob says crosses the line in my mind. So what should I do? Rather than go into attack-mode, I contact Bob rather seriously and just ask him what’s up? Was he just being playful? Or did he really mean to cross the line in an attack? The vast majority of times, it was just playfulness or a misunderstanding and all is good. We take a time-out and then go back to our relationship the next day. Exchanges like this are, in my opinion, actually healthy. They help two people to figure out the lines and boundaries for their relationship.
“So Guppyman… what’s the problem?” you are probably wondering.
The problem is when Bob (who has been playful with his humor with me for ages) all of a sudden goes into full-on attack mode. After I pull him aside to ask what is going on, I find out that all along he has been upset or angry at my humor thinking (mistakenly) that I was seriously and maliciously making fun of him or attacking him or being passive-aggressive towards him.
W….T….F….?????????
I don’t know what is worse:
A. the fact that Bob has been so passive-aggressive as to be saying half-kidding/half-serious things about me either privately or publicly;
B. that Bob (who has known me long enough to know that I’m NOT a bad guy) actually views me as being an intentionally hurtful person; or
C. that Bob is being a complete hypocrite! After all, he was upset thinking that I was intentionally trying to upset him by throwing barbs. So what does he do in response? The very thing that he has accused me of doing. AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!
Seriously, I do not consider myself a confrontational person whatsoever. But if I am unsure about someone’s intentions or behavior, I WILL pull that person aside (privately) to find out what is going on. I cannot believe that some people just can’t or won’t show me the same courtesy. What are we – seven years old? When an adult becomes annoyed or upset by the actions of another adult; or even questions the actions of the other adult, the proper thing to do is to reach out to that other adult to see if there is perhaps some misunderstanding. In my experience, the vast, vast, VAST majority of times, it really IS just a misunderstanding. And by identifying it right then and there, it prevents what could become a very unnecessary Great Big Huge fight later on that might even end the friendship and make others feel like they need to draw lines in the sand. Is that always the easiest thing to do? No. But it is the RIGHT thing to do. It is the RESPECTFUL thing to do. And it is the adult thing to do.
I do not make excuses for my actions. I own them. I recognize that regardless of my intentions, sometimes the words that I use might result in someone feeling hurt or picked on. After all, Bob cannot help how he feels when he hears my words. My INTENT is to make him laugh. But who knows? Maybe without meaning to, I will strike a negative cord with him that triggers some deep-seated insecurity. If Bob comes to me and talks to me about it, I do my best to have a grown-up conversation with him and resolve the situation. After all, if my original intent was to make Bob laugh, obviously I will want to turn that frown upside down as quickly as possible. But if Bob does the wrong thing and decides to intentionally inflict upset upon me, I’m not going to be as willing to be the rational and calm one – especially for a problem that he is actually creating.
To the Bobs that I have run into in my life. Act your age! If you have a problem with me or with anybody else in your life for that matter, talk to them like a grown-up. If you want to work with me to problem-solve, I’ll work with you. But if you are more interesting in creating drama where there is none, I’m just going to change the channel. I’m a busy man. I am loved. I have a lot going on in my life. I know a lot of people and lead a fantastic life. I simply don’t have time or interest to buy into your seven-year-old behavior.
I left being seven behind forty years ago.
