Izer

 

In my experience, I have found that there are generally two kinds of people in the world – those who will listen to you when you have a problem, and those who will not.  Today I’d like to focus on the people who listen.  I refer to them as “Izers”.  Why that word?  Because of the people who listen, they fall somewhere on the scale between Sympathizer and Adviser.  (yes, I know the latter word does not have a z in it, but work with me here!)

 

People who are closer to the Sympathizer end of the scale are the ones who listen to you and target your feelings.  They are the ones to either show support to your decision, or reinforce that the other person did the wrong thing.  I’m sure we all know the archetype.  If your boyfriend just dumped you and you call up your BFF who is a Sympathizer, the sympathizer will be the first to say, “You poor thing!” followed by “that bastard!” followed by “after all you did for him?!  He’s an ass!!!!”  The Sympathizer does not jump to fixing your problem for you.  The Sympathizer is there to bubble wrap you as much as possible and give you hug therapy.

 

Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum, is the Adviser.  The Adviser isn’t focused on how you feel.  The Adviser is focused on the problem and helping you to fix it.  And just as the Sympathizer is an archetype, so is the Adviser.  If your boyfriend just dumped you and you call up your BFF who is an Adviser, the Adviser will immediately jump to possible fixes.  “Did you try talking to him?” might be followed by “Are you sure you didn’t just have a misunderstanding?” followed by “Do you want me to go talk to him?” or “Maybe it’s just not meant to be.”

 

I know that everybody out there is different, and we all tend to respond differently to various situations and people.  Personally, when I have a problem of some sort that frustrates me to no end and I find myself needing to talk to somebody; what I am looking for more than anything is the Sympathizer.  Why?  Well… it’s simple actually.  I’m a Portugee.  I have a hot temper and tend to get very emotional when I’m in a frustrating situation.  While I am perfectly capable of solving my own problems (thank you very much, snap-snap-snap!), when I find myself so emotionally charged by a situation what I NEED to do is open up the floodgates and spout out for a bit to a Sympathizer.  Once I’ve emptied out my anger-tanks, I can calmly look at the situation and either solve it myself, or ask for help in the areas where I need help so that the problem will become a non-problem.  But one thing that does NOT help when I get into that place is to hear from the Adviser.  That is guaranteed – GUARANTEED – to make the situation worse.

 

Many times in my life when I have found my current frustration compounded by unasked-for advice from an Adviser, I have grit my teeth and reminded myself as much as possible, “this person means well and is really honestly TRYING to help… Lord love ‘em”.  But still, there has always been something that bothers me about people who fall to the extreme end of the “Adviser” spectrum.  And I really never was able to understand what it was until the other day when it just clicked in my brain.  It is arrogance – or at least the perception of arrogance.  In my mind, I have to question what the Adviser is trying to do.  Or, more specifically, what is the motivation of the Adviser?  Is the Adviser really, honestly, truly 100% trying to make my problem go away?  Or does the Adviser have a bit of a hero complex and simply want to have a personal-feel-good by coming to my rescue and being my solution?  While I don’t typically give unasked for advice, I am going to reach out to all the Advisers out there and give you some things to think about.  Before you try to solve someone else’s problem, please ask yourself this – do you actually know more about the situation or the problem than the person who is having trouble?  If you do, then fine.  It makes sense for you to offer advice.  For instance, if the person who is venting is complaining about a leaky pipe that he can’t seem to fix, and you’ve been a professional plumber for 20 years, then by all means, advise away.  But if you actually do NOT know as much about the situation, or the people involved, or the context, or how the thing works compared to the person who is venting; perhaps you should spend more time listening and sympathizing.  Why?  Because it is possible (not saying it IS – but it is POSSIBLE) that your tendency to be an Adviser is based less on really wanting to help the person, and more on trying to be the hero to make yourself feel better about your day.  Or, to be more direct, you might intentionally or unintentionally be trying to make it all-about-you rather than about the person having the problem.  Now, the same could be said about the person on the other end of the spectrum – the Sympathizer.  Perhaps the reason that person shows you so much sympathy is because they too are partially motivated by some sense of reward.  Some people love to mother.  And being able to give sympathy or coddle someone feels good to them. 

 

No matter where you fall on the spectrum, people who try to help out their friends in need are good people – no question about it.  But sometimes, the best way to help out a friend is to take a moment and ask yourself, “what is the BEST way to help out my friend?”  That may be very different than how you, yourself, like to receive help.  But try to bear in mind – if you are really trying to help out your friend, it isn’t about you.  It is about your friend.  So are you going to give your friend the help that YOU think you need to give (which may very well be more self-serving than helpful to your friend)?  Or are you going to give your friend the help that you think your friend wants?

 

Just something to think about.