![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Four Little Words
Jun. 21st, 2022 06:17 pmI consider myself very fortunate. I can’t possibly count all the laughs and good times that I have had over the years with my SCA family. Yet, while the titles and bling are always nice and appreciated, that isn’t why I play. I play for the opportunities to challenge myself, to learn more things, to guide, to teach and to enjoy my geek.
One role that I have taken on at various times throughout the years is that of advisor. I have advised many set of Crowns and Baronial nobles over time, which I consider to be truly one of the greatest honors. Not only is it a case of, “They like me! They really like me!”, but it shows that they value my experience and discretion in matters of not-so-pleasant-circumstance. Who woulda ever thought I would be the adult in the room? I certainly didn’t!!! When I consider the times that I have offered advice, I have noticed a very basic and simple pattern. When asked, “how can I be a good King/Queen/Baroness/Baron…”, I have distilled all the instances and anecdotes into four little words –
Make Them Feel Special.
It sounds very silly and basic. And in a lot of ways, it is. When I say to make them feel special, what I mean is – pay attention to who is doing what. Notice the person who shows up at the event only to sit behind gate all day long working. Notice the fighter who makes a point to fall down despite her/his opponent saying, “no, no. That wasn’t good.” Notice the person who is relatively new who made something for the first time. It may not be a masterwork. But it is a HUGE accomplishment for somebody who has never tried and never had a reason to try before. It means when you call a person up to court to give them an award, to tell that person and the entire court WHY that person is getting the award.
Make them feel special.
This goes so much further than court. I find that a really good Crown (or coronet, or…) makes a point of doing this all day long throughout their time in the big chairs. While wandering around and talking to people, a word or two of encouragement at just the right time to somebody who is struggling can make all the difference between whether or not they are going to show up again in the near future. And here’s the really cool part – its FUN! Randomly walking up to somebody and saying, “Hey, did you do that? That’s really nice. Tell me about it” makes not only for a fantastic ice breaker, but can take a person from a point of, “I feel all alone and worried and out of place,” to, “OMG! I was noticed!”
Make them feel special.
Whether for good or bad, the SCA has a lot of challenges to anybody trying to grow in their areas of interest. Very few people walk into the SCA with a full skillset to do XYZ. Not many fighters put on armor for the first time and win a tourney. Few artists create historical masterworks right off the bat. And regardless of how much project management experience a person might have, that doesn’t mean they get all the nuances of how to run an event. Mistakes WILL be made. The learning curve may be steep at times. And its only natural for people to feel a sense of frustration when they don’t do that thing perfectly at that time. Those frustrations are important to learning and growing. But they are painful nonetheless. This is where a little bit of empathy and appreciation can go far. “Don’t worry,” you might say in consolation. “You may not be there today. But you are making progress, and improving, and getting better, and more confident. I see it, and am impressed with you” can make all the difference between somebody trying again versus throwing their hands up in the air in disgust.
Make them feel special.
I say this not to sound all Pollyannaish. Rather, it is something I like to do as a pay-it-forward. When I joined the SCA, I had all of the enthusiasm but none of the talent or skills. I wanted to do all the things, but knew absolutely nothing. I remember (painfully) about the 40 minutes it took me to thread a sewing machine the first time from memory without supervision. I went through a LOT of frustration early on not knowing what I didn’t know and making mistake after mistake. But ya know what? There was always somebody there to keep me going. “You’re getting it,” I would be told. And that was juuuust enough to make me want to try one more time to get just a little bit better.
So my friends out there, if you ever find yourself fortunate enough to sit in a big chair where you have influence on a Barony, or a Principality, or a Kingdom; I hope this advice is helpful to you. And I hope you also accept it as a challenge – how will YOU make people feel special? It’s an important question to ask yourself. Because ultimately, they ARE special. And it is your job – your JOB – to kindle and nurture and encourage that.
That is what makes YOU special.
One role that I have taken on at various times throughout the years is that of advisor. I have advised many set of Crowns and Baronial nobles over time, which I consider to be truly one of the greatest honors. Not only is it a case of, “They like me! They really like me!”, but it shows that they value my experience and discretion in matters of not-so-pleasant-circumstance. Who woulda ever thought I would be the adult in the room? I certainly didn’t!!! When I consider the times that I have offered advice, I have noticed a very basic and simple pattern. When asked, “how can I be a good King/Queen/Baroness/Baron…”, I have distilled all the instances and anecdotes into four little words –
Make Them Feel Special.
It sounds very silly and basic. And in a lot of ways, it is. When I say to make them feel special, what I mean is – pay attention to who is doing what. Notice the person who shows up at the event only to sit behind gate all day long working. Notice the fighter who makes a point to fall down despite her/his opponent saying, “no, no. That wasn’t good.” Notice the person who is relatively new who made something for the first time. It may not be a masterwork. But it is a HUGE accomplishment for somebody who has never tried and never had a reason to try before. It means when you call a person up to court to give them an award, to tell that person and the entire court WHY that person is getting the award.
Make them feel special.
This goes so much further than court. I find that a really good Crown (or coronet, or…) makes a point of doing this all day long throughout their time in the big chairs. While wandering around and talking to people, a word or two of encouragement at just the right time to somebody who is struggling can make all the difference between whether or not they are going to show up again in the near future. And here’s the really cool part – its FUN! Randomly walking up to somebody and saying, “Hey, did you do that? That’s really nice. Tell me about it” makes not only for a fantastic ice breaker, but can take a person from a point of, “I feel all alone and worried and out of place,” to, “OMG! I was noticed!”
Make them feel special.
Whether for good or bad, the SCA has a lot of challenges to anybody trying to grow in their areas of interest. Very few people walk into the SCA with a full skillset to do XYZ. Not many fighters put on armor for the first time and win a tourney. Few artists create historical masterworks right off the bat. And regardless of how much project management experience a person might have, that doesn’t mean they get all the nuances of how to run an event. Mistakes WILL be made. The learning curve may be steep at times. And its only natural for people to feel a sense of frustration when they don’t do that thing perfectly at that time. Those frustrations are important to learning and growing. But they are painful nonetheless. This is where a little bit of empathy and appreciation can go far. “Don’t worry,” you might say in consolation. “You may not be there today. But you are making progress, and improving, and getting better, and more confident. I see it, and am impressed with you” can make all the difference between somebody trying again versus throwing their hands up in the air in disgust.
Make them feel special.
I say this not to sound all Pollyannaish. Rather, it is something I like to do as a pay-it-forward. When I joined the SCA, I had all of the enthusiasm but none of the talent or skills. I wanted to do all the things, but knew absolutely nothing. I remember (painfully) about the 40 minutes it took me to thread a sewing machine the first time from memory without supervision. I went through a LOT of frustration early on not knowing what I didn’t know and making mistake after mistake. But ya know what? There was always somebody there to keep me going. “You’re getting it,” I would be told. And that was juuuust enough to make me want to try one more time to get just a little bit better.
So my friends out there, if you ever find yourself fortunate enough to sit in a big chair where you have influence on a Barony, or a Principality, or a Kingdom; I hope this advice is helpful to you. And I hope you also accept it as a challenge – how will YOU make people feel special? It’s an important question to ask yourself. Because ultimately, they ARE special. And it is your job – your JOB – to kindle and nurture and encourage that.
That is what makes YOU special.
