A bit overwhelmed

[storytimewithjoe]

Hello world,

This morning, I am awake, alert, and ready to face the day. That is the good part. The bad part is, my to-do list seems to have exploded. Why is that?

I realize that I do this to myself. Truth be told, when given the choice, I would rather be overly-busy than to sit on the couch with nothing to do. Having NO projects to work on is my ultimate nightmare. But right now, that is far, far, far, from the case. Workwise, Murphy's Law always applies. Why is it that when I am in the office, I could hear a pin drop all day? Nobody stops by my office with any crises, and things are typically "situation normal"? However, if I am out, the $*%$& hits the fan, phonecalls abound, and information is required NOW-NOW-NOW?

Yesterday, I bit the bullet to do my part for my fellow man. I decided to enroll in a clinical trial. The long and the short of it is this. The clinical trial involves an experimental HIV vaccine (yes "vaccine"). People involved in the trial either receive 100% placebo, or 100% vaccine. The lab will be doing tests (read that as a lot of blood-drawing) for the next 4-5 years. I do not yet know if I will be given the go-ahead to become involved.

Basically, here is the scoop as they explained it to me. The vaccine itself was developed in a lab, and is a genetic modification of a particular existing virus that causes the common cold. They have taken this particular cold virus, weakened it, and have modified it at the genetic level in the labs to resemble the HIV virus. While the virus *looks* like the HIV virus, it is harmless. It isn't even strong enough to give a person a cold. Once injected into the body, it will not cause harm, but it will trigger the body to attack it. In the process, the body will be trained to attack anything that looks like it - including the real HIV virus, should that individual ever have exposure to HIV in the future.

At this point in time, the lab is only enrolling people who have NOT been exposed to this particular variety of cold-virus. So they are testing my blood. Since this involves all kinds of cultures and tests, I won't know for over a month whether or not I have been exposed to this particular cold virus.

To be perfectly honest, I am a mix of excitement and nervousness over this. I am excited because this is a way to get involved. HIV is such a horrible HORRIBLE disease, I feel it is, in many ways, an honor to become involved however I can in the fight for a cure. But on the other hand, I am nervous. There are always unknowns. I know that the vaccine can NOT cause HIV. I know that they say that the vaccine is a weakened version of a natural cold-virus. But still, this sounds like the opening chapter of a sci-fi story. And it makes me nervous. The biggest warning-sign that I see is that 80% of people involved in previous trials of this nature tested false-positive for HIV. Basically, most HIV tests out there do not actually test for the virus, but for a particular bi-product that appears in the blood. Since this vaccine has been modified to look similar to real HIV, it creates a similar bi-product which triggers the same test-result. Long story short, people who do not actually HAVE HIV can receive positive test results. And it is unknown how long that will be the case. Some people, after a while, no longer show false-positives. Others continue. Now, is this a huge deal for me knowing this in advance? I guess not. But still, it feels a little weird.

Well, no sense obsessing about it for right now. At this point, I don't even know if I will be allowed to enroll. And there is a very good possibility that I won't be accepted, given that I have caught colds in my lifetime. We'll see...

And on a side-note for activism - my thanks and praise goes out to those of you in Tampa who have taken a stand against bigottry. Banning Gay Pride activities, indeed! Poopy-heads!

Comments

[aliskye.livejournal.com]

I hate to be overwhelmed with the to do lists. I'm trying to take a page from a friend's book, where she rarely adds anything to her to do list until something has been completed. She's the most amazing person who really does just check things off right and left all the time (though she says she's really obssessed a lot :)

Frankly, I'm not unhappy when I don't have a lot to do. I kind of like it. I probably get more done when I'm super busy 'cuz you have to manage your time better then to get it all accomplished. But having just a little to do suits me fine. Give it a try :)

Regarding the trial, I applaud you for taking the time to get involved whether you are selected or not. That takes a lot of courage and committment which we don't often see in people in this modern age.

[dendren.livejournal.com]

impressive on doing the vaccine trial thing. I know it's a big scary thing. I worked with clients at the end of the Vaxgen vaccine trial and was consistently impressed and touched by their ability to take on such a monumental thing in their life. Even tho Vaxgen ended up not being "the" vaccine, it's still a step in moving forward to ending this. Progress can't be made without people like you... thanks for that!

[joeguppy.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Since you watched through the Vaxgen one, do you have any words of wisdom for me?

[dendren.livejournal.com]

I came into the department at the end of the vaxgen study so I'd be hard pressed to impart much by way of wisdom. I mostly worked with the clients once the study was unblinded, letting them know if they got the vaccine or the placebo, and clarifying that the vaccine didn't work (and therefore not to think they had *any* protection in the future).

[joeguppy.livejournal.com]

Assuming that I get into this study, I need to chant over and over in my brain, "I got the placebo...I got the placebo... I still should behave. I still should be safe. I shouldn't do anything blatantly stupid!" about a million times or so.

[dendren.livejournal.com]

hmmmmm... actually, even if you knew you were getting the vaccine you would still want to be careful since there is no guarantee the vaccine works. It *is* just a trial after all. But that's my only disclaimer at this point ;)

[joeguppy.livejournal.com]

Very true. My point is that, no matter what, I really need to remember not to take on any sense of false-security.

[acdntlpoet.livejournal.com]

Well... then just remember it isn't a vaccine aimed at herpes, crabs, genital warts, syphillis, pregancy, or any other sexually transmitted disease.

[joeguppy.livejournal.com]

You should write children's novels.

[acdntlpoet.livejournal.com]

I have often thought the same thing... maybe I will. I'll call it "Pregnancy: Overcoming the STD epidemic and what you can do to help."

Catchy ain't it?