That Which NEEDS to be Said

This seems to be the recurring theme in my life for the past couple of years. At what point should a person bite the bullet and say to someone else something that needs to be said?

 

Nobody likes to be the bad guy. OK, I get that. I totally get that. And telling somebody an uncomfortable bit of truth is not a pleasant thing. Let me give you an example. Let’s say you are at a party and your friend is holding court, chatting with a bunch of people. One by one, you notice something not quite right. People go from smiling to a temporary look of disgust. Then you figure out why. Your friend has spinach in his teeth. Or maybe a booger on his nose. Or his fly is down. Or his breath is rank. We’ve all been there at some point or another, right? Regardless of what is wrong, something is wrong.

 

WHY IS NOBODY SAYING ANYTHING?!

 

Well, the answer is somewhat obvious. It is awkward and unpleasant to tell somebody something embarrassing or icky or gross or whatever. And the reaction that you receive, as the bearer of bad news, can be equally unpleasant as your friend’s face turns from a happy smile to that of horror or embarrassment. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, right? But here is the unfortunate reality check. Let’s say that you do NOT say anything, and that nobody else does, either. Your friend may continue without ever being aware. And the next day, he will be the laughing stock of the recaps. Years later, people with a cruel sense of humor could still be calling him, “spinach guy” or something worse. And here is the other unpleasant thing to think about – YOU could have stopped it. You could have saved your friend from such embarrassment if you had just summoned up the intestinal fortitude to say what needed to be said.

 

Sometimes, saying what needs to be said isn’t quite so obvious, and the lines of ethics are blurry. For instance, if you suspect that the husband of your dear friend Susan is having an affair, do you say something to Susan? If you see a neighbor’s kid with a nasty bruise, and you are unsure how it got like that, do you say something to the authorities? If you see an acquaintance sliding down a slippery slop of self-destructive behavior, do you say something? The fact is, sometimes the answer seems obvious, but more often there are gray areas. Could it be that Susan’s husband was sneaking around behind her back not because he was having an affair, but because he is planning a big surprise party? Could it be that the parents of the kid with the nasty bruise TOLD him not to jump on the trampoline, and in a fit of rebelliousness he did, sprang off and fell, only to be swept up into the loving and soothing arms of his mother after the damage was done? Could it be that your friend who is exhibiting self-destructive behavior will fly off the handle when you even suggest that he drinks too much?

 

Who knows?

 

Sometimes, people try to get creative in order to avoid actually saying what needs to be said. I am reminded of the character of Daphne on the sitcom, Frazier. She was apparently a horrible cook. And everyone was so very, very pleasant in their avoidance of the subject. Yet, they would always seem to find ways to avoid having her cook. “Oh no, Daphne…” one of the characters would say. “You’ve already worked so hard today. Instead, let’s just go out to eat.” And when you think about it, this kinda makes sense. Her feelings are spared, AND nobody has to eat her horrible cooking. Perfect, right? Well… what about tomorrow? And the next day? And the next day?

 

The fact is, beating-around-the-bush is really only good for the one time. In the long run, it doesn’t do anybody any good – not you, and not your friend. What would happen if someone had simply told Daphne early on that she was a terrible cook? Oh sure, it could turn into a nasty terse discussion. And if Daphne happened to be emotionally immature, she could very well hold a grudge against the person who made such a comment. In my opinion, that is not a statement about the person who says something – it is a statement about Daphne. But ideally, Daphne might have taken this as an opportunity to learn and to improve. Sometimes, spite is the best motivation. “Horrible cook am I?!!!!” she might say to herself. “I’ll show HIM! I’ll go to cooking school!” And who knows, months later, she might very well prepare a meal to-die-for. Or… she might simply stop cooking. In either case, win-win!

 

Too frequently, I have seen people beat around the bush when it comes to dealing with other people serving in roles that, frankly, just aren’t their strength. And as a result, the machine as a whole does not run as smoothly as it should. Ideally, for any machine to work, it requires each and every cog, nut, and bolt to function exactly as it should. And when it doesn’t? KaBOOM! Sometimes, a particular nut just doesn’t do his or her job – sometimes only in part – sometimes, not at all. And do-gooders surrounding the nut help to pick up the slack because, they believe, it is for the greater good. In a way, it is for the greater good that this be done. But in other cases, what is really truly best for all parties is to just explain to the person, as kindly and compassionately as possible, “Look. I know you are trying. I know this means a lot to you. But you just aren’t doing a good job. This just isn’t your strength. So maybe it is time to give someone else a chance to do this, and for you to seek out something else.” I am no Donald Trump by any means (neither in bank account or in attitude), and I do believe in being as sensitive and compassionate as possible. But sometimes, in all aspects of life, we need to all build up the intestinal fortitude to say to somebody that which needs to be said. In the long run, it can be better for them, and better for the job/sport/hobby/activity in which they are involved.

 

If you decide to be the one to say what must be said, might you be branded the bad guy? I won’t lie to you – yes, it is possible that you will be – possibly by the person who hears the news. And maybe even by critics standing nearby. But hopefully the vast majority will see you for what you are – a truth-speaker who constantly and consistently has the greater good in mind.