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Letting Go
Dec. 5th, 2012 06:32 pmChances are that if you have reached an adult age, you have gone through some uncomfortable, unpleasant, or down and out painful breakup. Breakups happen in all kinds of ways – everything from personal-relationship breakups to the purposeful dissolution of friendships. As unpleasant an event as this can be, there is really no way to avoid it, short of choosing to live alone on a desert island.
When it comes to friendships, more often than not the relationship goes through an evolution. You may find yourself heavily involved in seeing a friend through a variety of circumstances. But then, because somebody moves or changes jobs or finishes a course or whatever, you simply do not see that person as much anymore. So what once was a close relationship becomes a more casual form of contact – an email here and there, maybe a card at the holidays, maybe a phone call. But then there are the relationships that you purposely break off.
Sometimes, sadly, we wake up and realize that a friendship has gone septic. And at that point, when you realize that you’ve had enough, you come to the conclusion that it is time to call it quits. Again, this is a sad day when it happens, but it is something that most if not all of us must go through a few times in life.
I look back several years at one particular situation. I had this one particular friend, and at a time I felt we were very close. We knew what happened in each other’s lives and we were very much involved in each other’s lives. But she had a character flaw that lived under the surface – she was extremely self-centered. If it was important to her, she expected – EXPECTED – everybody to view it as important. And if it was unimportant to her, she expected – EXPECTED – everybody else to treat it as unimportant. There was no compromise. There was no taking other people into consideration. The only thing that mattered was what she believed mattered.
For the most part, this was usually only a minor source of annoyance. But then came the day that she decided to make a major change of life by going to college. She decided – consciously decided – that getting her B.S. was going to take up ALL of her time and that she was going to cut off her social time with all friends. OK… um… huh? On the one hand, I was absolutely supportive of her going to college and applauded her all the way. But ya, it was more than a little disconcerting to be informed that I would not be seeing her or hearing from her in any way for the next four years – especially since when I met her, I was in college getting my B.S. through the College of Engineering. But hey…. If that was how it was going to be, that was how it was going to be.
Now fast-forward four years.
One day, I received an invitation in the mail. It was an invitation to attend her graduation ceremony. I was so happy that she was going to graduate. I was proud of her for getting her degree. But unfortunately, I already had plans for the day of her graduation ceremony, and I could not get out of them. So, I sent in a “regret” on the invitation, along with a very sincere note about how happy I was to hear from her, and how proud I was of her.
A couple of days later, I was sitting at my desk at work when the phone rang. It was my “Friend”. She had received my response – and proceeded to read me the absolute riot act! Effectively, through the tears and sobs, she communicated loud and clear her thoughts –
How DARE I not be there for her at her graduating moment!
How DARE I not change my plans!
How DARE I not respond when she snapped her fingers!
By the time I hung up the phone, I was emotionally confused, devastated, befuddled, etc. And all along, all I could think to myself was, “Wait a minute… YOU decided to put our entire friendship on hold for the span of four years because YOU decided that you would not even allow one evening of social time or contact. But four years later, YOU decided to simply reopen channels and expect me to drop my life for YOU?”
And… with that, I was done.
Done, done, done, done.
I learned an important lesson through this experience. I have no tolerance for one-way friendships. At a time in my life when I was willing to put myself waaaaay at the end of the line, I tolerated a lot of this crap. And who knows? Maybe if I didn’t tolerate so many abusive friendships earlier in life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today – stronger, and no willing to tolerate abuse.
I can only hope she learned a lesson through this experience as well. I don’t wish her any harm or any ill.
Rather, I wish her enough wisdom to realize and recognize the hurt that she caused.
When it comes to friendships, more often than not the relationship goes through an evolution. You may find yourself heavily involved in seeing a friend through a variety of circumstances. But then, because somebody moves or changes jobs or finishes a course or whatever, you simply do not see that person as much anymore. So what once was a close relationship becomes a more casual form of contact – an email here and there, maybe a card at the holidays, maybe a phone call. But then there are the relationships that you purposely break off.
Sometimes, sadly, we wake up and realize that a friendship has gone septic. And at that point, when you realize that you’ve had enough, you come to the conclusion that it is time to call it quits. Again, this is a sad day when it happens, but it is something that most if not all of us must go through a few times in life.
I look back several years at one particular situation. I had this one particular friend, and at a time I felt we were very close. We knew what happened in each other’s lives and we were very much involved in each other’s lives. But she had a character flaw that lived under the surface – she was extremely self-centered. If it was important to her, she expected – EXPECTED – everybody to view it as important. And if it was unimportant to her, she expected – EXPECTED – everybody else to treat it as unimportant. There was no compromise. There was no taking other people into consideration. The only thing that mattered was what she believed mattered.
For the most part, this was usually only a minor source of annoyance. But then came the day that she decided to make a major change of life by going to college. She decided – consciously decided – that getting her B.S. was going to take up ALL of her time and that she was going to cut off her social time with all friends. OK… um… huh? On the one hand, I was absolutely supportive of her going to college and applauded her all the way. But ya, it was more than a little disconcerting to be informed that I would not be seeing her or hearing from her in any way for the next four years – especially since when I met her, I was in college getting my B.S. through the College of Engineering. But hey…. If that was how it was going to be, that was how it was going to be.
Now fast-forward four years.
One day, I received an invitation in the mail. It was an invitation to attend her graduation ceremony. I was so happy that she was going to graduate. I was proud of her for getting her degree. But unfortunately, I already had plans for the day of her graduation ceremony, and I could not get out of them. So, I sent in a “regret” on the invitation, along with a very sincere note about how happy I was to hear from her, and how proud I was of her.
A couple of days later, I was sitting at my desk at work when the phone rang. It was my “Friend”. She had received my response – and proceeded to read me the absolute riot act! Effectively, through the tears and sobs, she communicated loud and clear her thoughts –
How DARE I not be there for her at her graduating moment!
How DARE I not change my plans!
How DARE I not respond when she snapped her fingers!
By the time I hung up the phone, I was emotionally confused, devastated, befuddled, etc. And all along, all I could think to myself was, “Wait a minute… YOU decided to put our entire friendship on hold for the span of four years because YOU decided that you would not even allow one evening of social time or contact. But four years later, YOU decided to simply reopen channels and expect me to drop my life for YOU?”
And… with that, I was done.
Done, done, done, done.
I learned an important lesson through this experience. I have no tolerance for one-way friendships. At a time in my life when I was willing to put myself waaaaay at the end of the line, I tolerated a lot of this crap. And who knows? Maybe if I didn’t tolerate so many abusive friendships earlier in life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today – stronger, and no willing to tolerate abuse.
I can only hope she learned a lesson through this experience as well. I don’t wish her any harm or any ill.
Rather, I wish her enough wisdom to realize and recognize the hurt that she caused.
