SOOO done with this instructor!

[storytimewithjoe]

After one of the most mentally taxing Fridays I have had at work since I can't remember when, I went to yoga.  Wanting nothing more than to Zen out and sweat, I high-tailed it over to the Southcoast gym to join their 5:30 yoga class.  Mr. Stabby wanted to make an appearance soooo badly on Friday, and frankly, I needed the mental calmness.  Unfortunately, the Friday class is the one taught by the pose-nazi.  BUT, in all fairness, I decided to give it another shot figuring maybe she was just having an odd day.  Maybe she isn't that bad.  Maybe, just maybe the class will be ok.

NOT!

What an OBNOXIOUS instructor!  

She began the class with "NOT's".  Do NOT leave the mat-cabinet door open.  Do NOT go through the side-door.  Do NOT face your mats facing the parking lot.  Do NOT vary from her instructions.  Do NOT modify your pose unless she tells you to do so.  Etc., etc., etc.  

Um... control-freak-much?

As the music started, I thought to myself, "Oh, this bodes not well."  I realize that everyone's tastes are different, but I think that whether y'all do yoga or not, you have an idea of what is appropriate - new agey, non-distractive, non-singalong kinda music that is ideal for the background is what works - NOT showtunes.  I find it hard to take yoga seriously listening to songs from Jesus Christ Superstar.  GAG!  What next?  

"I want to pose n' dance.  I want to pose n' dance.  I want to pose n' dance, like the Pirates of Penzance?"

At least when the music changed to tunes from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, I could kinda sorta zen.  Well... only sorta.  I kept thinking about "They're taking the Hobbits to Izengard!  To Izengard!  To Izengard!"  Between that and crevette mentally conditioning me to think, "Spank me, Elf-boy!" whenever I think about LotR, I couldn't exactly zen out to the soundtrack.

Then came the fast-forward balancing poses.  A balancing pose is all about... ready for it?  BALANCE!  The key is to get into the pose and hold the pose while challenging your body to balance.  This chicky could not move us through several balancing poses in a series fast-enough.  Looking in the mirror, I saw people falling left and right, frustrated with themselves that they couldn't keep up with her.  "BULLSHIT!" I thought to myself.  This is just wrong!

Finally, ending in a warrier series, I struck my usual pose with my hands in a twist overhead (as several of my other instructors have suggested as a further challenge).  This chicky had the audacity to say into her mic. (Yes, she had a MIC), "No holding your hands together - that's cheating."  Realizing that paragraph 624c. of the Yogi's Code for Dummies says that it is bad form to body-tackle one's instructor in front of the rest of the class, I just shot her a dirty look and kept my hands together.  When all was said and done, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Zenning out in the shower, I closed my eyes, and pictured a tranquil stream.  There, under the water, was the face of my instructor.  Watching my hands as I held her under the water until the bubbles stopped, I finally reached that peaceful state of mind that I had been missing for the past hour.

Ohm... ohm... ohm...drown the namas-dee-di-dee... ohm...

Comments

[aeddie.livejournal.com]

"Do NOT vary from her instructions. Do NOT modify your pose unless she tells you to do so. "

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over? When discussing yoga with my Mom, who's a Kripalu style instructor in Florida, she said that's utter hogwash especially since some people can't do some poses.

But doesn't para. 624c.1 give a caveat if they're an utter pain in the rear?

[joeguppy.livejournal.com]

I'll have to check the manual again. It is, after all, all about the journey.

[conjurman.livejournal.com]

Spank me, Elf-boy?

I'll never look at LotR in the same way.

[mistressrhi.livejournal.com]

I think you'd have reached that zen state faster if you'd told her off... Releasing anger is cleansing, little brother. Not to mention, it helps those around you giggle. Want me to come beat her up???

[flaming-mo.livejournal.com]

What's her cert?

[madknits.livejournal.com]

I was at a contra dance many years ago, and as most contra dancers, I really enjoy a good fast swing. I was dancing with my friend Joseph, and there was no swing in a certain dance. We were both disappointed, so we decided to swing instead of gypsy. We heard the caller croak over the mic, "Hey, you two! There's no swing in this dance!"
I called out, "There is now!"
Pretty soon everyone was swinging instead of gypsying.

Now go complain to her boss.

[moira-ramsay.livejournal.com]

I thought the purpose of Yoga was to find your center and be at peace.

To stretch the ming and body and unify the spirit.

Sounds like the instructor lacks something if the peace dept.