storytimewithjoe | Dreams of Closure

Ever had one of those dreams about what could have been/should have been? I did.

Last night, as I drifted off into a world of huffalumps and cotton-candy clouds, I found myself at a dinner party. Throughout the course of the evening, people wandered in and out of the room, boisterous conversations competed for dominance, and the array of china and silver embellished the performance of waiters and busboys like sequins on a deco-style ball gown.

Just as I found myself in the middle of an intense discussion with the person to my left, in walked a couple whom I have not seen in quite some time. In my waking-hours, these people once played an important role in my life, until we had a very unpleasant parting of the ways. In the dream, they approached me cautiously, and waited politely until there was a pause in my conversation. At first, they exchanged polite pleasantries – a bouquet of How-are-you’s, Good-to-see-you’s, and You’re-looking-wells. But then, after a brief but uncomfortable pause, one of them offered a sigh followed by an expression of regret and the desire to just bury the hatchet. In my dream, I offered a smile and my hand for a shake. And with the other hand, I raised my freshly filled glass, and offered a toast to new starts, new beginnings, and new changes.

Oh, if only.

In my world, I want things to be perfect. What I WANT is perfect closure. What I WANT is for people who done-me-wrong to fess up, offer a sincere apology, shake hands, and move on. I’m not a vindictive person. Heck, we all screw up at times in our lives. Gods only know, I’ve certainly done my share. But sadly, this dream scenario is the closest I will ever come to putting the pieces back together from the shattered smithereens of the relationship. Why? Because in my dream, they admitted the truth. They apologized. They expressed a desire to sincerely move on and work on a friendship. In reality, that would never happen. Why? Because ultimately, there are some people out there who just are simply Not Nice People. I don’t know why they aren’t nice. Perhaps it is insecurity? Perhaps it was a horrible childhood? Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance? Perhaps there is some brain programming that makes them completely selfish and self-centered? Perhaps it is some combination of all of the above? But in any case, it is not for me to “fix” them. It is not for me to force the truth upon them. It is not for me to try and repair a relationship that they, themselves, caused to shatter through their actions, their cruelty, and their down-n-out meanness.

All these years later, this lack-of-closure still haunts my dreams. Perhaps it always will. Why? I dunno. Maybe it is the perfectionist in me. If I read a really horrible story, or watch a truly terrible movie, rarely do I abandon it before the end. Why? Because to me, the only thing worse than bad entertainment is not knowing how it ends.

I know in my heart that this particular closure, which I would love to have happen some day, probably never will. But I always have my dreams. And as sad as it felt in my waking hours to realize that it was only a dream, there was a little bit of me that felt happy. Why? Because in my dream, we shook hands. In my dream, they expressed a sense of regret. In my dream, they showed me a trace of humanity and a heart. In my dreams, they were nice.

My dreams gave me something that my waking hours will not. That’s something, right?