storytimewithjoe | Everything I know about life, I learned from my cat.

One of the most unresolved conflicts throughout history has got to be that of dog-people versus cat-people. Despite the intervention of the occasional well-meaning aqua-friendly or bird-loving neighbor, conflicts eventually ensue between these two rival classes. While dog-people and cat-people have been known to actually make peace and live together (scandalous though that may be!), everybody knows that each person finds himself or herself superior based upon his connection to his beloved totem.

For me, pets are an endless source of amusement and education. And while I mean absolutely no offense whatsoever to those of the canine predisposition, I must assert myself as more feline-friendly simply because there is more to learn from a cat. Let’s be honest here, dogs are loving and friendly and fun. But they effectively have only one message to communicate – “OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY!!!!!”

Owner: “Come on, Kibbles. Let’s go for a walk.”

Dog: “OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY!!!!!”

Owner: “Hey Fido! Come here, fella!”

Dog: “OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY!!!!!”

I’m sure you get the point. With cats, on the other hand, you really never know what you’re gonna get. Unlike with a big lovable face-slobbering lug wagging his tail, a cat can provide one of many unpredictable forms of communication. And each, in its own way, teaches an important life-lesson.

Behavior: “Death by sunbeam” – Despite the self-preservation aspects that most cats have down-pat, they seem absolutely powerless to the effects of a strong sunbeam through a window. Sure, they might get stepped on as they streeeeeetch their full body length across one of the stairs. But, there’s a SUNBEAM! Yes, the world could very well be collapsing around them. But, there’s a SUNBEAM! A mouse to chase? Who cares? There’s a SUNBEAM!

Lesson to be learned - Maybe… just maybe… that crisis or deadline just really isn’t as important as it may seem. Every now and then, take a break and enjoy the sunbeam.

Behavior: “Wasn’t me!” – A cat can do something despicable, destructive, or down and out rude right in front of your face. Yet, he will act so nonchalant as it to suggest that perhaps you were mistaken. Maybe you just THINK you saw him do something bad. After all, a guilty party would be sweaten’ bullets if caught ~~red-handed~~ red-pawed, right? But kitty-witty here not only has no look of remorse, but has taken a moment to have a long and deliberate bath. After all, sweet widdle kitty-witty didn’t do it, right?

Lesson to be learned – Life is all about perception. Whether for good, bad, or whatever; “The Truth” is only part of the story. The rest all comes down to perception and how convincing the parties are. Pokerface and a look of conviction is key.

Behavior: “See my ass?” – Little Muffins looks so sweet and adorable sitting next to you on the floor so pristinely as you lounge on the couch. But then, Muffins jumps up on top of you, circles around, and makes a point to life her tail and shove her ass in your face.

Lesson to be learned – At some point or another, we all show our ass. And ya know what? The world doesn’t come to an end. It’s ok. We all recover. And occasionally, you might even tell somebody to kiss it.

Behavior: “The Tongue” – Cuddles is in the middle of taking a bath. Yet, something distracts Cuddles from his task, and he stops in the middle. Yet, there’s a problem. Cuddles forgot that his tongue is still sticking out of his mouth. He will sit there looking dorky for a while until something distracts him again, and he pulls his dry and icky tongue back in his mouth.

Lesson to be learned – At some point or another, we all look like dorks. Ever you’re your glasses only to have them on the top of your head? Whether you just told a joke to a bunch of your friends, only to discover that you had spinach in your teeth; or you’ve been walking around at work with a trail of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe; life is full of momentary embarrassments. And somehow, someway, we all survive. It happens to us all, so blush, laugh at yourself, get over it, and move on.

Behavior: “Disdain” – You didn’t do anything wrong. Yet, Midnight is staring at you – not just staring AT you – staring THROUGH you. You didn’t do anything to deserve it, but Midnight is giving you the look of pure disdain, and you are starting to feel uncomfortable. “WTF did I do????!” you say to Midnight, as you grab a pillow and threaten to fling it at him.

Lesson to be learned – A look can be a powerful thing. And a quick sneer at somebody, whether intentional or not, potentially has the power to ruin that person’s day. So try to smile. That sensitive person across the room doesn’t deserve the bad effects of your loud face.

Behavior: “Yoga” – Cats have the most amazing ability to stretch, contort, bend, and be supple. Just HOW Fluffy can stick his leg straight up in the air while washing his nether-regions is beyond your grasp. Yet, he does so with the grace of a ballerina.

Lesson to be learned – Do yoga. As we get older, simple tasks become harder. Just bending over to get the morning paper becomes a chore. So take some time – MAKE some time to do some stretching and keep your body in shape. What once came naturally will eventually require work to make happen. It may hurt at the time. You will sweat. But you’ll thank yourself later on.

Behavior: “Getting small” – How exactly did Cringer get out? The only open window was opened just a crack? Yet, somehow, someway, that big fat cat was able to go all Lilliputian to get where he wanted, when he wanted. And when he wants, he can hide, disappear, and be away.

Lesson to be learned – Sometimes, you just wanna get away. But you can’t. People are in your way. Doors are locked. Roadblocks barricade your way out. Get clever. Figure out something that others didn’t figure out. Learn to get small.

Behavior: “But I’m CUTE!!!!” – Prissy just knocked over a vase. It really is your own fault for not securing the vase, but still – Prissy shouldn’t have been up there in the first place. You can’t help but be mad at Prissy. But just as you get ready to scold Prissy, Prissy sits demurely, looking up at you with those big ol’ eyes, and let’s out a pristine little heart-melting “mew”. Suddenly, you don’t care about the vase because you want to grab your camera and take yet another picture of Prissy for your Facebook.

Lesson to be learned – It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. But it is a simple fact. Pretty people can get away with things where others can not. Heck, look at all the celebrity scandals out there where our beloved stars get slaps on the wrist for crimes that would have the average person thrown in the slammer. Sure, all people should be treated equally. But let’s be honest – life just doesn’t work that way. Some people are cut special breaks.

Behavior: “Phantom play” – Nibbles is sound asleep in the middle of the living room floor. Then, for no apparent reason, Nibbles wakes up and madly runs around the room chasing something that doesn’t exist. Jumping around from chair to floor to tabletop, Nibbles is after that poltermouse with the spirit of adventure that makes no sense to you, the casual observer, who cannot see the threat that Nibbles has locked his eyes onto. Yet, as Nibbles’ tail twitches, she will not be content until she catches that imaginary predator.

Lesson to be learned – Every now and then, just when people least expect it, do something silly. It keeps them on their toes.

Ah, kitties. They can be little terrorists, while being the most adorable creatures on the planet. Who knew that they would be so educational?