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storytimewithjoeI remember in a fond moment of shadenfreude a particular scene from the movie Braveheart. In the scene, King Edward (known as Longshanks) speaks to his son (the nelly and historically unsuccessful Prince Edward II) and the Prince’s advisor (gay lovaaaah). In that scene, the King tries in vain to educate his complete disappointment of a son on what to do when he becomes King. It is then that the Prince’s, um… “friend”, unwisely decides to involve himself in the conversation. Shortly before Edward Longshanks hurls him out the window to his death, he utters the phrase, “Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?”
Sound arrogant? Sure it does. But I have a confession to make. That is exactly how I am, and I applaud Longshanks in his stance! (Well… at least up until he threw the guy out the window. I don’t know that I’d go quite that extreme).
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I know it all – I don’t. And it isn’t that I am smarter than, better than, wiser than, more experienced than, or anything like that. But honestly, I generally like to learn through my OWN experience and my OWN research. It isn’t that I absolutely must reinvent the wheel. But frankly, even if I choose to do that, that is MY choice for MY life – and it isn’t for anybody else to judge or try and prevent me from doing that.
Part of my growing-up involved being surrounded by adults. As the youngest not only of my family, but of my entire generation in my huge family, there were always very protective adults surrounding me 24/7. And one thing that really made life a challenge was the constant advice of adults. For one, it taught me distinctly NOT to think for myself, as there would always be somebody there to tell me what to do. And then there was the question of what to do when receiving conflicting advice. But… but… but… if I’m supposed to follow advice and one person says do one thing and another says to do something else…. What do I DO???!!!!! I had to go through some very awkward and painful life lessons to finally reach a point in my life where I learned the importance of self-reliance. No matter what anyone else may or may not think, and regardless of whether anybody else approves or not, I need – NEED – to do what I believe is best and right for me. And if I fail, I have nobody else to blame but myself. And that is a much better alternative than trying to pick up the pieces of a poor decision that I made not because it was based upon my own convictions, but upon the advice of somebody else.
It drives me absolutely crazy when people give me advice when I didn’t ask for it. I think of one acquaintance in particular who is simply incapable – INCAPABLE – of looking at anything new (art, projects, works-in-progress, or whatever), without uttering the phrase, “Oh, you know what you need to do? You need to…” And I have grown to truly loathe spending time near or around this person because of it. Why? Because frankly, this person’s aesthetic is, IMHO, CRAP! If there is any way to make a beautiful project suddenly look cheesy, it would be to follow the advice of this individual. And the fact that this individual continues to try and push unwanted advice on not only me, but upon other people is simply rude. Regardless of intentions, regardless of what appears to be the innocence of offering a “harmless suggestion”, it is just rude. Sometimes harmless suggestions are not so harmless.
Yes, I KNOW that people mean well. Yes, I understand and recognize that they are just trying to help. But much as a child who is “trying to help” may very well pull all the “weeds” that, in fact, were really beautiful flowering plants that you painstakingly planted days earlier, sometimes unwanted advice takes its toll on a friendship or a relationship – particularly when the person is not really qualified to give that advice. Or, to give another example, I am much more likely to consider the opinion of a professional carpenter than I would a friend who read an article and made a birdhouse or two. While it may sound negative, I truly cannot believe that “giving advice” is truly always a selfless thing. Sure, there are some people out there who give advice because they truly believe they are providing some Rosetta-stone of information to the recipient and/or because they really are very learned and very experienced people in XYZ. But most often, I really don’t think that is the case. Most often, I think it is a purely selfish act. I think the person giving the advice really wants to be told, “Oh WOW! You’ve given me the missing piece I needed so much! I could never have figured this out without you. Never! You are just the bomb, and people should erect statues to commemorate your brilliance!” And while truthfully there really may not be anything wrong with that desire, it is just not something that in this point in my life I have much (if any) energy or interest in empowering.
So what do we take home from this? Simple. If I want advice on something, I will ask it. Truly, I’m not above or beyond asking for advice when I believe another person’s expertise or opinion merits it. But if I don’t ask for it, please respectfully don’t try and force your thoughts down my throat. It really is not appreciated. And the older I get, the more snarly I will probably sound when it happens. I no longer feel the patience or tolerance that I used to feel about this sort of a thing. I don’t like it. And I’m tired of exercising tolerance or patience for it. If I feel that you’ve crossed a line, you are much more likely to know it.
No, I (probably) won’t throw you out a window. But trust me – you’ll know.
Sound arrogant? Sure it does. But I have a confession to make. That is exactly how I am, and I applaud Longshanks in his stance! (Well… at least up until he threw the guy out the window. I don’t know that I’d go quite that extreme).
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I know it all – I don’t. And it isn’t that I am smarter than, better than, wiser than, more experienced than, or anything like that. But honestly, I generally like to learn through my OWN experience and my OWN research. It isn’t that I absolutely must reinvent the wheel. But frankly, even if I choose to do that, that is MY choice for MY life – and it isn’t for anybody else to judge or try and prevent me from doing that.
Part of my growing-up involved being surrounded by adults. As the youngest not only of my family, but of my entire generation in my huge family, there were always very protective adults surrounding me 24/7. And one thing that really made life a challenge was the constant advice of adults. For one, it taught me distinctly NOT to think for myself, as there would always be somebody there to tell me what to do. And then there was the question of what to do when receiving conflicting advice. But… but… but… if I’m supposed to follow advice and one person says do one thing and another says to do something else…. What do I DO???!!!!! I had to go through some very awkward and painful life lessons to finally reach a point in my life where I learned the importance of self-reliance. No matter what anyone else may or may not think, and regardless of whether anybody else approves or not, I need – NEED – to do what I believe is best and right for me. And if I fail, I have nobody else to blame but myself. And that is a much better alternative than trying to pick up the pieces of a poor decision that I made not because it was based upon my own convictions, but upon the advice of somebody else.
It drives me absolutely crazy when people give me advice when I didn’t ask for it. I think of one acquaintance in particular who is simply incapable – INCAPABLE – of looking at anything new (art, projects, works-in-progress, or whatever), without uttering the phrase, “Oh, you know what you need to do? You need to…” And I have grown to truly loathe spending time near or around this person because of it. Why? Because frankly, this person’s aesthetic is, IMHO, CRAP! If there is any way to make a beautiful project suddenly look cheesy, it would be to follow the advice of this individual. And the fact that this individual continues to try and push unwanted advice on not only me, but upon other people is simply rude. Regardless of intentions, regardless of what appears to be the innocence of offering a “harmless suggestion”, it is just rude. Sometimes harmless suggestions are not so harmless.
Yes, I KNOW that people mean well. Yes, I understand and recognize that they are just trying to help. But much as a child who is “trying to help” may very well pull all the “weeds” that, in fact, were really beautiful flowering plants that you painstakingly planted days earlier, sometimes unwanted advice takes its toll on a friendship or a relationship – particularly when the person is not really qualified to give that advice. Or, to give another example, I am much more likely to consider the opinion of a professional carpenter than I would a friend who read an article and made a birdhouse or two. While it may sound negative, I truly cannot believe that “giving advice” is truly always a selfless thing. Sure, there are some people out there who give advice because they truly believe they are providing some Rosetta-stone of information to the recipient and/or because they really are very learned and very experienced people in XYZ. But most often, I really don’t think that is the case. Most often, I think it is a purely selfish act. I think the person giving the advice really wants to be told, “Oh WOW! You’ve given me the missing piece I needed so much! I could never have figured this out without you. Never! You are just the bomb, and people should erect statues to commemorate your brilliance!” And while truthfully there really may not be anything wrong with that desire, it is just not something that in this point in my life I have much (if any) energy or interest in empowering.
So what do we take home from this? Simple. If I want advice on something, I will ask it. Truly, I’m not above or beyond asking for advice when I believe another person’s expertise or opinion merits it. But if I don’t ask for it, please respectfully don’t try and force your thoughts down my throat. It really is not appreciated. And the older I get, the more snarly I will probably sound when it happens. I no longer feel the patience or tolerance that I used to feel about this sort of a thing. I don’t like it. And I’m tired of exercising tolerance or patience for it. If I feel that you’ve crossed a line, you are much more likely to know it.
No, I (probably) won’t throw you out a window. But trust me – you’ll know.
