storytimewithjoe: Joe at the Getty (Default)
[personal profile] storytimewithjoe
It’s no secret that this year has been an absolute annas horribilis for everyone in multiple ways. For me, as rough as it has been experiencing so much loss, I consider myself pretty lucky overall. We have stayed healthy and safe (knock on wood!) There are four of us living in the same house, which makes it easier to escape feeling lonely. We have all stayed employed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel after surviving this disastrous joke of a Presidential administration. And because travel and vacation have all been at a stand-still for most of the year, we have saved money that we otherwise would have spent. So at least as we near 2021, we are going into it feeling stable, if not bored out of our minds.

I remember making what almost seems like an eerily creepy post about the year 2020. I had said that, because we consider “20/20” to be perfect vision, that I wanted this year to be the year of awakening and seeing things clearly. Little did I know then just how much this would come true – but not how I expected it. You see, in 2019, I really believed that people who supported things like racism or intolerance or hypocritical christianist agendas were just naïve or blind followers. I really believed that they didn’t know what they were buying into – that they were being lied to – and that they really couldn’t possibly believe that way or feel that way because that would make them not simply “fooled” but actually horrible people. I also believed that the Republicans in Washington would never cross the line by doing so many blatantly illegal and/or immoral and/or unethical things. Sure, they were self-centered. But they weren’t down-n-out criminals, right?

Oh boy, did 2020 force me to see things clearly!

2020 taught me something. It wasn’t “them” who experienced a lack of seeing things as they really were. It was I. I believed, rather naively, that deep down, all people were really good. I believed that if people stopped and thought about the hurt they were causing through their actions, that they would stop. I wanted to put as much energy as possible into patiently trying to work with adversaries to help turn them around, sometimes to the neglect of friends who really earned more of my time and attention.

What did I learn? I learned a hard lesson. I learned that there really ARE some horrible people out there who truly do not care about anybody but themselves. I learned that there really are some people who enjoy being mean. (That really is their high). I learned that there are far more racists out there than I ever believed existed. I learned that there are absolute asshats in ALL communities and classes – and sadly, that includes my own. I learned that there are a lot more people out there now who are internet educated than anything else (which is scary AF!) I learned that some people – even some who were close to me – fit into some of these categories. And I learned how it feels to have to cut somebody out because when you see their true face, it is just too wretched to accept anymore.

Yet, as down as this post might sound, and as shut down as I have felt for months on end, I do feel a sense of hope as I look to next year. I know we will have a new administration guided by science. I know we have new vaccines coming out, which will bring a slow close to this particular chapter of life. I know that we will slowly enter a new chapter. And I am both excited and anxious about what that new chapter will look like.

Will wearing a mask when one is sick become a thing? (I plan on doing it! If I may have been exposed to someone with a cold or flu, why would I want to risk possibly spreading it on?)

Will the cultural standard of shaking hands come back? Personally, I hope not. I have honestly never liked hand-shaking. It is a germ-spreader. And it just seems, I dunno, like an arbitrarily created thing that I don’t necessarily feel to be natural.
Will huge crowds be a problem for me? I have always (at least in adult life) had social anxiety with crowds. Different times and situations have sent me into panic attacks (which are NOT fun). Having been away from crowds for months on end will probably make this phobia worse. Friends… please be patient with me when we return to normal. I think I’ll get there, but it’s gonna take baby steps. Or, more simply, let me start off in the shallow part before even thinking of returning to the deep end.

Will it be wiser/safer in general to limit the size of events across the United States? Maybe we really do need to rethink the concept of packing in crowds. The idea of going to a huge concert scares the living daylights out of me, for instance.
I miss friends and family. Zoom meetings just REALLY don’t do the same at all (for me at least). I look forward to the next chapter, while also fearing it.

Am I alone in my realizations and concerns?

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storytimewithjoe: Joe at the Getty (Default)
storytimewithjoe

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