Why Do I Nag So Much?
Jan. 2nd, 2021 12:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
storytimewithjoeAs the proverbial ball drops on the annas horribilis that was 2020, I find myself being reflective, wondering what I can work on to make this a better year. Part of that reflection means recognizing some inherent flaws in my behavior and personality that need some work. Sadly, I must admit, one huge flaw pops out strongly as I look in the mirror - I am a nag.
I don’t particularly like that aspect of my personality. I am keenly aware of how annoying it must be. Yet, I find myself doing it constantly. To try and fix this, I had to get to the core of the problem and ask myself WHY I repeatedly nag my husband, (and pretty much everybody around me) to get moving and get things done.
I asked myself, “Is it a control thing?” No.
“Is it a power-over thing?” No.
“Is it a competition thing?” No.
“Then what and the heck is it?”, I have asked myself repeatedly. Then recently, I think I figured it out.
Travel back with me for a moment to 2008. Having just had a general physical the week before, I received a call from my doctor early the following Monday morning telling me it was IMPERITIVE that I come in to speak to him that afternoon. Immediately, my stomach went into knots. I knew it would be bad. But I had no idea what the problem was. And sure enough, that afternoon changed my life forever. That is the day I learned I had become HIV positive.
I have no complaints about the doctor. In fact, I found him to be extremely compassionate, doing everything he could under the regulations of the time to show me kindness and empathy. But despite his compassion, I had been given a death sentence. At that time, the medication regimes were still too new to know long-term prognosis. So, the best they were able to do then was to say that statistically, I had a couple of decades in front of me. And at that time, that meant I would probably make it to about 55 or 60.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
To me, this was unacceptable. It meant I would never get to enjoy retirement. It meant that I had a sword hanging over my head. It meant that I only had a set amount of time to conclude and complete things I wanted to do in life. There were so many places I wanted to see. There were so many projects I wanted to do. There was so much that I still wanted to learn. So, after the whole shock and denial and anger thing went through its progression, I reached a conclusion. I wasn’t going to wallow in misery. With a limitation on my life, I wasn’t going to waste time in self-pity land. I was going to live my life and get more done in a truncated amount of time than most people do in a full lifetime. Time is incredibly precious. And to waste one’s time, I believe, is probably the greatest waste of all. Because when you face the fact that your time might be limited, you become KEENLY aware that such lost time can never, ever, ever be regained.
Here in the present, I know that my health is fine. The medication regimes that they have come up with do an excellent job at keeping the virus under control. For years, I have been laboratory undetectable, meaning that the virus is effectively fully under control, unable to cause damage to my immune system. As long as I stay on my medication, which I am absolutely compulsive about taking, there should be no impact on my lifespan or quality of life.
As wonderful as this realization is, subconsciously I have never shaken that realization from 2008. Even if I am going to have a normal lifespan, it doesn’t change the fact that I learned an important lesson. Time really IS precious. Each day is a new opportunity to learn, to experience, to teach, to share, to encourage, and to inspire. This is my strong belief, and a point that I try my best to convey. But unfortunately, I think my attempt at a “Rah Rah” often comes across as shaming or as a put-down. And for that, I apologize. I’m sorry, Paul! I’m sorry, students of mine. To all of you that I have nagged, I really do apologize. I do not mean to make you feel bad. Rather, what I am trying to convey to you all is simply this - Life is a gift. Life has limitations. With each passing day, your vision might get a little bit blurrier. Or your physical strength may decrease bit by bit. It sucks… but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is all part of life and the human experience. But when you reach that point in your life where, for whatever reason, you can no longer do X or Y or Z; I think it will be easier if you can look back and say to yourself, “I can’t now. But back in the day, I did. And I enjoyed every bit of it!”
I think my biggest fear in life is to reach a point where I absolutely cannot physically do a thing, and I regret not having done it when I was able. Subconsciously, I think I am overcompensating – keeping myself on my toes if you will – by putting so much emphasis into not only being efficient with my time, but also pushing others to do so as well. And I am realizing now that I need to knock that off. Other people’s time is just that – theirs – and not mine.
Again, one and all, if my nagging has been an annoyance to you, please accept my apology. I meant to encourage – not to be a butthead.
OK, enough on this. It’s time for me to get moving. I have lots to do today! 😊
I don’t particularly like that aspect of my personality. I am keenly aware of how annoying it must be. Yet, I find myself doing it constantly. To try and fix this, I had to get to the core of the problem and ask myself WHY I repeatedly nag my husband, (and pretty much everybody around me) to get moving and get things done.
I asked myself, “Is it a control thing?” No.
“Is it a power-over thing?” No.
“Is it a competition thing?” No.
“Then what and the heck is it?”, I have asked myself repeatedly. Then recently, I think I figured it out.
Travel back with me for a moment to 2008. Having just had a general physical the week before, I received a call from my doctor early the following Monday morning telling me it was IMPERITIVE that I come in to speak to him that afternoon. Immediately, my stomach went into knots. I knew it would be bad. But I had no idea what the problem was. And sure enough, that afternoon changed my life forever. That is the day I learned I had become HIV positive.
I have no complaints about the doctor. In fact, I found him to be extremely compassionate, doing everything he could under the regulations of the time to show me kindness and empathy. But despite his compassion, I had been given a death sentence. At that time, the medication regimes were still too new to know long-term prognosis. So, the best they were able to do then was to say that statistically, I had a couple of decades in front of me. And at that time, that meant I would probably make it to about 55 or 60.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
To me, this was unacceptable. It meant I would never get to enjoy retirement. It meant that I had a sword hanging over my head. It meant that I only had a set amount of time to conclude and complete things I wanted to do in life. There were so many places I wanted to see. There were so many projects I wanted to do. There was so much that I still wanted to learn. So, after the whole shock and denial and anger thing went through its progression, I reached a conclusion. I wasn’t going to wallow in misery. With a limitation on my life, I wasn’t going to waste time in self-pity land. I was going to live my life and get more done in a truncated amount of time than most people do in a full lifetime. Time is incredibly precious. And to waste one’s time, I believe, is probably the greatest waste of all. Because when you face the fact that your time might be limited, you become KEENLY aware that such lost time can never, ever, ever be regained.
Here in the present, I know that my health is fine. The medication regimes that they have come up with do an excellent job at keeping the virus under control. For years, I have been laboratory undetectable, meaning that the virus is effectively fully under control, unable to cause damage to my immune system. As long as I stay on my medication, which I am absolutely compulsive about taking, there should be no impact on my lifespan or quality of life.
As wonderful as this realization is, subconsciously I have never shaken that realization from 2008. Even if I am going to have a normal lifespan, it doesn’t change the fact that I learned an important lesson. Time really IS precious. Each day is a new opportunity to learn, to experience, to teach, to share, to encourage, and to inspire. This is my strong belief, and a point that I try my best to convey. But unfortunately, I think my attempt at a “Rah Rah” often comes across as shaming or as a put-down. And for that, I apologize. I’m sorry, Paul! I’m sorry, students of mine. To all of you that I have nagged, I really do apologize. I do not mean to make you feel bad. Rather, what I am trying to convey to you all is simply this - Life is a gift. Life has limitations. With each passing day, your vision might get a little bit blurrier. Or your physical strength may decrease bit by bit. It sucks… but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is all part of life and the human experience. But when you reach that point in your life where, for whatever reason, you can no longer do X or Y or Z; I think it will be easier if you can look back and say to yourself, “I can’t now. But back in the day, I did. And I enjoyed every bit of it!”
I think my biggest fear in life is to reach a point where I absolutely cannot physically do a thing, and I regret not having done it when I was able. Subconsciously, I think I am overcompensating – keeping myself on my toes if you will – by putting so much emphasis into not only being efficient with my time, but also pushing others to do so as well. And I am realizing now that I need to knock that off. Other people’s time is just that – theirs – and not mine.
Again, one and all, if my nagging has been an annoyance to you, please accept my apology. I meant to encourage – not to be a butthead.
OK, enough on this. It’s time for me to get moving. I have lots to do today! 😊
