On Marriage
Jun. 27th, 2022 12:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
storytimewithjoeIndulge me for just a moment. Are you married? If so, please look down at your wedding ring. Really look at it. Does your ring show any distinct features? For instance, if you dropped your ring into a pile of others jewelry, could you find YOUR ring scattered among all the golden shiny?
My wedding ring started out like many others – shiny and sparkly in the jeweler’s case, waiting to become part of a sacred bond. Eighteen years later, my ring has lost much of its original sparkle. It is fairly beat up with the wear and tear of daily living. It has a few divots developed from keeping the beat of a good song on the radio while driving along in the California sun. It has become somewhat dull from the many projects I have worked on over the years, worn down by toil. Like an extension of me, it reflects the good days, the not-so-good-days, and everything else in between. Yet uniquely, my ring also carries with it two inscribed dates. One of those dates, December 4, 2004; records the very happy day that we spoke our vows before so many friends and family in Paul’s church. The other date, March 8, 2004; reflects a very different milestone in terms of our relationship. It reflects a time when the concept of two people of the same gender becoming married was simply out of the question, still denied because of ignorance and homophobia. Yet, thanks to the rebellious nature of Gavin Newsom, then governor of San Francisco, we saw the unnecessary restrictions yanked off of marriage licenses. And with the doors thrown open, we took advantage.
2004 seemed like such a crazy dream, really. On that Thursday, March 4th; my hubby and I were talking about what was happening in San Francisco. It was impossible to focus on work. I was just too excited by what was happening. It was then that my hubby, the eternal enabler, said to me, “Ya know… there’s no reason we can’t make an appointment and go up there.” It seemed crazy. But one thing about me and Paul – we aren’t simply talkers. We take action. When presented with an opportunity to be a part of history, we jumped at it. So before hanging up the phone with my hubby, we made a plan. We would both try to call San Francisco City Hall to make a marriage appointment. And in the unlikely event that we managed to get an appointment, we would head north.
Over the next few hours, I tried to call in. Over and over, I hit a busy signal. From all over the nation, same-gender couples were trying to schedule this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I was beginning to think it was a pipedream that would never amount to anything. Just as I was about to give up, I noticed my hubby calling me on the other line. Somehow, he had gotten through, and managed to make an appointment for the following Monday, March 10th! Gulp!!!! We did it! We actually did it! So as soon as he verified this, I walked down the corridor to my boss’s office. “I know this is kinda last minute,” I said to him. “But we got in and we want to go up to San Francisco to get married.” My boss didn’t answer at first. Instead, he jumped up out of his chair to come over to give me a huge hug, offer congratulations, and assure me that I could take whatever time I needed. Gulp! This was really happening!!!! Over the course of the next few hours, we booked a B&B in the Castro and had our tickets scheduled.
Even as the plane took off, I just couldn’t believe it. Was this really happening?????????????? I needed a sign. So as I turned on the in-flight entertainment, Kylie Minogue began to sing as coverage of her latest concert began to show. It was a very good sign!!!!!!!!! Yet, I still had my worries. I spent the entire weekend fighting nervousness and anxiety. We knew for a fact that some people were desperately trying to shut things down. And we didn’t want to miss the boat. On the Sunday before our appointment, we made a trial run of the Muni system to see exactly how much time it would take to get from our B&B to City Hall. When we came up to see City Hall, my heart sunk. Out in front of city hall, an ugly mass of people gathered to yell and scream vitriol about how gays are going to hell, along with all the usual sophomoric filth. I felt sick to my stomach. Were we really going to have to fight our way through a bunch of protesters just to get married??? This was just so unfair! WTF had I ever done to any of these people? They didn’t even know us! How would THEY like it if I just showed up on their wedding day to voice discontent???
Sigh.
Like in so many other instances, we had a choice – give up or fight. Picking ourselves up by the bootstraps, we held our heads high and focused. We knew how long it would take to get to City Hall. We had our appointment. And the protesters simply weren’t invited.
On Monday morning, I made a very early walk down to the little flower-shop at the end of our block. There, I picked up a matching pair of green carnation boutonnieres to wear (head nod to Oscar Wilde), before returning to the B&B to put on suit and tie to eventually walk down the street with my hubby, hand in hand, to get our license. So much of the specifics of the day I just don’t remember very well. Between the chaos of the city, emotions running high, the crush of people in City Hall, and the general sense of emotional overwhelm; I don’t really remember much until we stood looking into each other’s eyes in the central rotunda as a city official happily and proudly pronounced us, “spouses for life.”
Hearing those words seemed incredibly surreal to me. Having been married to a woman in my previous chapter, I never felt like we had the connection that I have with Paul. And even if I didn’t get the chance to be married ever again, I preferred being with him than to unhappily live in a “traditional” marriage. So to have this opportunity again was not something I ever expected in this lifetime.
Yet, it was to be short-lived.
Two days later, on the 10th of March, the courts ordered same-gender marriages to be put on hold until the courts could decide what to do. In fact, I even met the first people to be turned down – and it was crushing. Meanwhile, 4,033 same gender married couples now sat in limbo. We were married. We had licenses. But would the courts uphold them?
A couple of months of legal limbo went by before the day came that a form letter arrived in the mail indicating that our marriage had been invalidated by the courts. Please think about that for a moment and let it sink in - a FORM LETTER. A form letter told me that my marriage had been dissolved.
We know how things went since that time. And yes, my husband and I were married (yet AGAIN) in a civil ceremony, giving us yet another date to try and remember. Yet, just when I thought this battle might finally be over, we are under attack yet again. Justice Thomas, (the most hypocritical Uncle Tom that I’ve ever seen in my life!), openly stated that he thinks the courts need to revisit things like GLBT protections. And it makes my heart just sink.
I am already on an emotional and energy low after what the courts did to Roe vs. Wade. Even though this decision doesn’t impact me directly, it hits me hard. I know what it is like to have a fundamental right taken away. I know what it is like to be put in a box by complete strangers and denied the same equality that somebody right next to me can have. I know what it is like to feel unvalued by society. I know what it is like to have a basic right yanked out from under me by something as impersonal as a form letter. And I know what it is like to have virtue signaling christianists try and impose their lifestyle and values on me. I have marched in support of women’s rights. I have marched in support of BLM and others who are downtrodden and in need of assistance. And the miles have taken their toll. I am so very tired of having to keep fighting just to be able to live my life in peace!
Look again at your wedding ring. Now imagine a group of strangers storming into your home to violently yank it off of your hand. That is my fear. And that is the constant feeling that I have looming over my head every single minute of every single day. So no, I can’t just “Agree to Disagree.” No, I can’t just “don’t worry, be happy.” Basic rights are under attack in this nation. And when one of us is threatened, ALL of us are threatened.
I stand for women’s rights to their own body autonomy, damnit!!!!!
I stand for religious freedom (which includes freedom FROM religion)!
I stand for equality!
But right now, I’m just too tired to stand.
My wedding ring started out like many others – shiny and sparkly in the jeweler’s case, waiting to become part of a sacred bond. Eighteen years later, my ring has lost much of its original sparkle. It is fairly beat up with the wear and tear of daily living. It has a few divots developed from keeping the beat of a good song on the radio while driving along in the California sun. It has become somewhat dull from the many projects I have worked on over the years, worn down by toil. Like an extension of me, it reflects the good days, the not-so-good-days, and everything else in between. Yet uniquely, my ring also carries with it two inscribed dates. One of those dates, December 4, 2004; records the very happy day that we spoke our vows before so many friends and family in Paul’s church. The other date, March 8, 2004; reflects a very different milestone in terms of our relationship. It reflects a time when the concept of two people of the same gender becoming married was simply out of the question, still denied because of ignorance and homophobia. Yet, thanks to the rebellious nature of Gavin Newsom, then governor of San Francisco, we saw the unnecessary restrictions yanked off of marriage licenses. And with the doors thrown open, we took advantage.
2004 seemed like such a crazy dream, really. On that Thursday, March 4th; my hubby and I were talking about what was happening in San Francisco. It was impossible to focus on work. I was just too excited by what was happening. It was then that my hubby, the eternal enabler, said to me, “Ya know… there’s no reason we can’t make an appointment and go up there.” It seemed crazy. But one thing about me and Paul – we aren’t simply talkers. We take action. When presented with an opportunity to be a part of history, we jumped at it. So before hanging up the phone with my hubby, we made a plan. We would both try to call San Francisco City Hall to make a marriage appointment. And in the unlikely event that we managed to get an appointment, we would head north.
Over the next few hours, I tried to call in. Over and over, I hit a busy signal. From all over the nation, same-gender couples were trying to schedule this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I was beginning to think it was a pipedream that would never amount to anything. Just as I was about to give up, I noticed my hubby calling me on the other line. Somehow, he had gotten through, and managed to make an appointment for the following Monday, March 10th! Gulp!!!! We did it! We actually did it! So as soon as he verified this, I walked down the corridor to my boss’s office. “I know this is kinda last minute,” I said to him. “But we got in and we want to go up to San Francisco to get married.” My boss didn’t answer at first. Instead, he jumped up out of his chair to come over to give me a huge hug, offer congratulations, and assure me that I could take whatever time I needed. Gulp! This was really happening!!!! Over the course of the next few hours, we booked a B&B in the Castro and had our tickets scheduled.
Even as the plane took off, I just couldn’t believe it. Was this really happening?????????????? I needed a sign. So as I turned on the in-flight entertainment, Kylie Minogue began to sing as coverage of her latest concert began to show. It was a very good sign!!!!!!!!! Yet, I still had my worries. I spent the entire weekend fighting nervousness and anxiety. We knew for a fact that some people were desperately trying to shut things down. And we didn’t want to miss the boat. On the Sunday before our appointment, we made a trial run of the Muni system to see exactly how much time it would take to get from our B&B to City Hall. When we came up to see City Hall, my heart sunk. Out in front of city hall, an ugly mass of people gathered to yell and scream vitriol about how gays are going to hell, along with all the usual sophomoric filth. I felt sick to my stomach. Were we really going to have to fight our way through a bunch of protesters just to get married??? This was just so unfair! WTF had I ever done to any of these people? They didn’t even know us! How would THEY like it if I just showed up on their wedding day to voice discontent???
Sigh.
Like in so many other instances, we had a choice – give up or fight. Picking ourselves up by the bootstraps, we held our heads high and focused. We knew how long it would take to get to City Hall. We had our appointment. And the protesters simply weren’t invited.
On Monday morning, I made a very early walk down to the little flower-shop at the end of our block. There, I picked up a matching pair of green carnation boutonnieres to wear (head nod to Oscar Wilde), before returning to the B&B to put on suit and tie to eventually walk down the street with my hubby, hand in hand, to get our license. So much of the specifics of the day I just don’t remember very well. Between the chaos of the city, emotions running high, the crush of people in City Hall, and the general sense of emotional overwhelm; I don’t really remember much until we stood looking into each other’s eyes in the central rotunda as a city official happily and proudly pronounced us, “spouses for life.”
Hearing those words seemed incredibly surreal to me. Having been married to a woman in my previous chapter, I never felt like we had the connection that I have with Paul. And even if I didn’t get the chance to be married ever again, I preferred being with him than to unhappily live in a “traditional” marriage. So to have this opportunity again was not something I ever expected in this lifetime.
Yet, it was to be short-lived.
Two days later, on the 10th of March, the courts ordered same-gender marriages to be put on hold until the courts could decide what to do. In fact, I even met the first people to be turned down – and it was crushing. Meanwhile, 4,033 same gender married couples now sat in limbo. We were married. We had licenses. But would the courts uphold them?
A couple of months of legal limbo went by before the day came that a form letter arrived in the mail indicating that our marriage had been invalidated by the courts. Please think about that for a moment and let it sink in - a FORM LETTER. A form letter told me that my marriage had been dissolved.
We know how things went since that time. And yes, my husband and I were married (yet AGAIN) in a civil ceremony, giving us yet another date to try and remember. Yet, just when I thought this battle might finally be over, we are under attack yet again. Justice Thomas, (the most hypocritical Uncle Tom that I’ve ever seen in my life!), openly stated that he thinks the courts need to revisit things like GLBT protections. And it makes my heart just sink.
I am already on an emotional and energy low after what the courts did to Roe vs. Wade. Even though this decision doesn’t impact me directly, it hits me hard. I know what it is like to have a fundamental right taken away. I know what it is like to be put in a box by complete strangers and denied the same equality that somebody right next to me can have. I know what it is like to feel unvalued by society. I know what it is like to have a basic right yanked out from under me by something as impersonal as a form letter. And I know what it is like to have virtue signaling christianists try and impose their lifestyle and values on me. I have marched in support of women’s rights. I have marched in support of BLM and others who are downtrodden and in need of assistance. And the miles have taken their toll. I am so very tired of having to keep fighting just to be able to live my life in peace!
Look again at your wedding ring. Now imagine a group of strangers storming into your home to violently yank it off of your hand. That is my fear. And that is the constant feeling that I have looming over my head every single minute of every single day. So no, I can’t just “Agree to Disagree.” No, I can’t just “don’t worry, be happy.” Basic rights are under attack in this nation. And when one of us is threatened, ALL of us are threatened.
I stand for women’s rights to their own body autonomy, damnit!!!!!
I stand for religious freedom (which includes freedom FROM religion)!
I stand for equality!
But right now, I’m just too tired to stand.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-28 04:43 pm (UTC)Not sure if you read my last post but I am devastated by the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade and what it means for other human rights. Thank you for speaking out. I will continue to speak out.